The heart wants what the heart wants and sometimes it’s your ex-partner. Now that you are thinking about getting back with someone you once loved and still love we have to have an open conversation about it.
Just the thought of a fresh start with your previous partner makes your heart skip a beat because you miss this person and cannot wait to have the good all days again.
But after all the emotion has settled down, reality usually sets in and it’s not always a nice reality.
As much as you are excited, you are drawn to thoughts from the past reminding you of the past hurt and pain. But somehow all of that seems to fade into nothing as excitement takes over.
Whether you are not sure of how to start over with someone you love or perhaps you are even wondering if it’s worth it, you have come to the right place.
Should you, do it?
I mean, the honest straight-up answer is, I don’t know.
The one thing I do know is that the reason you want to know if you should do it and if it is worth it is that the unknown world is scary. The fact that you have been hurt before means your body will try everything it can to protect you.
It will raise all emotional alarms to warn you of the potential hurt. It’s then up to you to listen or not.
Human beings have instincts and a conscious for a reason. Sometimes they are the reason why we are still alive.
That being said there are a couple of key things to consider that might help you decide. It’s not an exhaustive list but it will help you think things through especially if you are thinking of reaching out to your ex late in the hours of the night.
Because we all make the best decisions at 3 am, right?
What is it that you miss about this person?
Missing someone is usually the beginning of the conversation because when we love, our emotions and feelings are involved.
Sometimes you want to get back with someone because you are used to the idea of dating this person. You cannot even begin to imagine life without this person, so you opt to go back.
Getting out of our comfort zone and being uncomfortable is quite scary and most of us tend to retreat to what we know and are used to and that’s usually our ex.
Be honest with yourself, why do you want to start over?
- Do you still really love this person?
- Perhaps you just care for them as a person and are confusing that with love?
- Do you miss the long midnight conversations you both shared and now you just want somebody to talk to?
- Perhaps you miss the intimacy the two of you shared because you have never experienced any like it.
- Perhaps this person was your financial support and now you can barely make ends meet so you think the best way is to get back with this person.
- Or maybe it’s peer pressure?
- It could be that you are just lonely
- It could also be that kids are involved, and you are more worried about them growing up without a parent.
- Perhaps you are a lady who feels her biological clock is ticking and you have to get married because your family members are putting pressure on you.
- Or like many others, you are thinking, better the devil you know than the angel you don’t know so you think going back is the only way instead of starting a new relationship.
- It could also be that you think no one else will ever love you the way that your previous partner did
Whatever the reasons are, look within yourself and be honest. Only you can judge whether that reason is good enough or not to get back with this person.
As long as you decide to make that decision alone.
Weigh the pros and cons of your decision
The reason you are nervous and wondering how to do this is that there are pros and cons when considering how to start over with someone you love.
Does the good really outweigh the bad or perhaps you are letting your emotions make the decision?
Allow yourself to think clearly.
This is a decision that will ultimately impact your whole life, so it is a good idea to spend an extra day or two thinking about the decision clearly.
Mending a broken relationship is not for everybody.
Just because you feel you should get back with someone, it doesn’t mean that you have to do it. It may just be a phase that you can get over.
How to start over with someone you love
1. Plan to do it right, this time around
Being given a second chance to start a new relationship with someone means that now you have to do things differently. Irrespective of how things ended in the previous relationship when you all were together now you have to change.
Do everything differently.
Be a better person in this relationship. Focus on the positive things. At the end of the day, there is a reason things didn’t work out before and you need to do your best to make sure that you don’t repeat past mistakes.
Doing things right is definitely subjective and it depends on the nature of your relationship.
Look back at the reasons things didn’t work out and plan to fix those things. Do not only fix it on the surface, fix the root cause.
Remember that this time you are in it for the long term, therefore you have to put in your best effort
2. Focus on the little things.
The most important things in life are the little things and that is where your attention needs to be. Romantic relationships are delicate, and they should be treated as such.
Every healthy relationship needs a lot of tending to and it’s about time you put in the extra effort to make the new relationship extra special.
And when you start a new relationship, it is a good time to gear things up a bit.
When you start over you have to focus on the basics.
It’s the simple good morning messages every morning or the consistent goodnight calls that matter.
It’s that text message during the day just to remind your new partner that you are grateful they are in your life. Send a message just to point out their good qualities and the things you love about them.
It will show them that even though you are working you are still thinking about them.
Showing someone that they are on your mind is a great step to follow on how to start over with someone you love.
Buy them a nice bunch of flowers and take them out on a nice date. Falling in love again hinges on the little details.
3. Get professional help for yourself
The end of a relationship changes you as a person. It could be that you have been hurt and you have trust issues. The truth is that we don’t go through breakups and come out unscathed.
There are lessons you may hold onto that are not good for you.
That’s why you need to see someone to help you process the emotional pain. The truth is that you need to deal with your pain and negative feelings in a healthy way and that includes seeing a therapist. Although there are many different ways to process everything, you do need to at least consider talking to a professional.
Open up and talk about the things that bothered you or made you happy. Talk about what you are expecting in this new relationship.
Seeing a therapist as a single person means that you are willing to work on yourself. When was the last time you processed your feelings and emotions without thinking about other people? How often do you put yourself first?
Maybe things ended in the previous relationship because you had unresolved issues that you didn’t want to deal with, so this is the perfect time to see a professional before you get into the next relationship.
Put in the effort to love yourself and to take care of yourself.
In the short life that I have lived, I have realized that things change when people change. So, changing yourself will bring a positive change to your life and your relationships.
So, if you are looking for a good reason to go to therapy, you are that reason. Do it for yourself, because you matter, and you are important.
The first time you do it might be uncomfortable, but it will be worth it.
4. Get professional help together
Unfortunately, there is no easy way to handle the trauma you have endured in past relationships. If there is one thing, I know it’s that you need to talk to someone as a couple.
You need an objective third party that will help you process your thoughts and feelings together. And the first place to start is to see a relationship expert or a family therapist. It is not enough that you go to therapy alone, you have to also go together.
You are probably rolling your eyes, but yes it really does help.
We don’t always know everything; in fact, we are only better off because other people make us better.
A couples therapist will help both of you process the beginning of your relationship.
The dating life is not easy, but the good news is that we can get help from other professional people.
You could be scared because the idea of being vulnerable to strangers scares you, but I can confirm that it is worth it. The mere fact that you want tips on how to start over with someone you love means that you are willing to do anything and seeing a professional is the best course of action.
5. It’s not as easy as pressing the reset button
Just because you once dated this person, it does not mean that when you start dating this person all over again, things will still be the same.
It could be that maybe you both were involved with other people during the breakup period. That’s why the first step on how to start over with someone you love involves understanding that both of you might have grown and possibly changed.
Ask all the difficult questions. It’s in your best interests to discuss where each of you is in life and all the things that happened during your time apart.
This is going to be an awkward conversation that you need to have for you to start on a clean slate.
The aim is not to give each other a hard time, but to lay a good foundation for the relationship to work. Have mutual respect during this conversation with your former partner, it’s the right thing to do.
6. Plan to spend quality time together.
Yes, it’s a cliché, but it works
In as much as time heals everything, it also builds.
Because you want to get back together it is important that you intentionally plan to spend time together.
Do it consistently.
Regular phone calls are a great idea, but nothing beats spending physical time together.
Plan to do different things together.
Most relationship issues are because we don’t spend time together doing the things that we each enjoy. But in this new relationship choose to plan vacations together, short weekend trips away, and exciting daily activities that you can both enjoy like hiking or doing a cooking class together.
You can even go as far as going to the grocery store together.
It’s all about being together wherever possible.
Being outdoors is a great way to have fun but being indoors can also be better. Have a movie night and enjoy a nice games night. There are many fun things you can try together.
This will help you have fun and build a strong relationship.
The point is to have fun, just like you do with your best friends.
Remember that the goal is to revive the love life that once was and make it even better this time around.
Here are amazing ideas to try together.
Use this planner to plan all your activities
7. Make it all about your partner
Your previous relationship was not all useless. There are things you have learned about your partner that are useful.
What does your partner love and What do they enjoy? What was their favorite meal? Where did they love going? What was their favorite color and clothes?
Use all this information to do the relationship work that is necessary for a successful second chance. Sometimes difficult times make us forget to spoil each other, but this time around you have to put the focus and spotlight on your partner.
Prepare their favorite food and activities. Buy them their favorite clothes or gadgets. The important part is that whatever it is that makes your partner smile and laugh, focus on that.
Make your partner feel special in every way possible.
When your partner feels special, appreciated, loved, and protected they will tend to warm up more to the idea of a second chance.
You will definitely win their heart back quickly.
8. Do not lose yourself
Often when we have a strong desire to make things work and to get people to fall in love with us again, we tend to lose ourselves. We lose our confidence, personality, character, and everything that makes us the unique people that we are.
Do not fall into this trap.
A friend told me that there is more to life than love and relationships. Although I didn’t like hearing that statement, it is true.
Do not let a failed relationship make you forget yourself. Make a conscious effort to put yourself first. Love yourself and allow yourself the time to heal from the old relationship.
Set up ground rules for yourself. If starting over requires you to do things that are not ethical and aligned with your values and morals, then do not do it.
We tend to self-sabotage when we are healing from a broken heart and that’s why it’s important to keep our moral compass on. Protect your personal space and all the good qualities that make you who are you.
Be mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and keep them in check. Do a daily check-in with yourself to make sure you are not losing yourself.
9. The past is where it should be
I know you know this so I will keep this part short: leave the past where it belongs, in the past (read these tips to help you to stop thinking about the past).
There is no reason to bring back the old baggage into a new relationship.
Learning how to start over with someone you love means that you are starting on a clean slate. See this as a new person that you are meeting and be open to know them all over again.
That’s why you have to go to therapy so that you can talk about the past once and for all and leave the past in the past.
10. Forgive
After you have left the past where it should be, forgive.
This is easier said than done, but it is a necessary step. Forgive your partner and forgive yourself as well.
Forgiveness is all about freeing yourself.
We have extensively discussed the importance of forgiveness here. It will help you throughout this journey.
This is an important step on how to start over with someone you love.
Final thoughts
When we are talking about how to start over with someone you love, it’s a sensitive matter because it involves the heart. When it comes to the heart there could be confusion and frustration and that’s why it’s important to always take the time to think and process thoughts.
If you follow these steps, you are well on your way to starting over.
Will it work out this time? Will your relationship work out or is it better to let sleeping dogs lie?
Only you can answer that, but I am glad I could at least give you a few things to think about.
What are your thoughts, let’s help each other navigate the relationship world. It’s not easy but we all have each other’s back.
I am rooting for you!
I hope this guide on how to start over with someone you love has helped you and that you will succeed.
As the saying goes, where there is a will there is a way. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Nice post.