You are an imperfect person living in an imperfect world.
That means forgiveness is something that we have to talk about.
This piece is about helping you make a deliberate decision to forgive yourself.
The effective ways we will discuss here are to help you make a conscious decision about your life, relationships, and mental health. You cannot live life as if it’s on cruise control, you must take charge of your life.
Taking charge means that you have to look at both the good and the bad aspects and be honest with yourself. This self-introspection will help you become a better version of yourself.
Whether you are trying to learn how to forgive yourself for hurting someone you love through a minor mistake or a life-altering major mistake, the process is the same.
Let’s dive, right into it.
How to forgive yourself for hurting someone you love
1. To err is human and you are human
Be kind to yourself.
Usually, we are too hard on ourselves. Everyone makes mistakes and when I say everyone, I’m including you as well. In as much as others hurt us, we hurt them too. Beating yourself about it will not help. Having this knowledge is the best way to start dealing with your past mistakes.
As long as you are still a human being whose heart is pumping red blood you will continue to make mistakes. It’s in our nature as human beings to step on each other’s toes intentionally or otherwise.
If you were perfect, you wouldn’t be on earth.
Stop being self-righteous.
When dealing with hurting other people our inner critic can be our worst enemy because we continually torture our minds wishing things were different.
You are not a bad person; you have just had a bad experience and you have done a terrible thing. Do not let guilty feelings consume you.
Acknowledging this first step is the hardest.
But once you get this right the rest is easier.
Stop giving yourself a hard time and having negative thoughts toward yourself. It does not help you or anyone.
It’s self-sabotage.
2. You are not your mistakes
Even though you make mistakes, you are still a good person who is capable of doing good things. Do not let one mistake or a series of mistakes define who you are. The important thing is that you use this as a learning experience.
The next time you feel yourself dwelling on your mistake and you begin to have all the negative emotions towards yourself, simply challenge yourself to let it go.
I am the little voice that is here to remind you that you are special, unique, valuable, and loveable. When you consistently say these affirmations to yourself you begin to realize that mistakes are an event in your life, not a definition of who you are.
Do not use hurtful words towards yourself just because you made a bad mistake. It’s the little things like reminding yourself that you are a special person that will keep you going on days when you think you are the worst human to ever live on this planet.
Do not weigh your own self-worth against the mistakes you have made, that will paralyze your personal growth.
We are destructive to ourselves when we are our own worst critics.
This is the second tip to consider on how to forgive yourself for hurting someone you love.
3. Silence is not golden, reach out to make peace
When we have fallouts, we tend to withdraw back into our shells and don’t face the problem head-on.
Unfortunately, past experience has taught me that reaching out always irons out issues. It is a difficult thing to do but problems and hurt do not just disappear just because we ignore them and pretend, they don’t exist.
Sitting in your little shell hoping that the next person will reach out to you first is not the way to go about it.
The right thing to do is to start the conversation in good faith.
You love this person, and you care about them. You have their best interest at heart, and you have to show that. This is an important step when you want to learn and practice forgiveness toward yourself.
Yes, the only way to forgive yourself includes talking. The big ‘C’ word, is communication.
The first person you should try to talk to is the one that you wronged.
This is both scary and nerve-wracking.
Whether you are trying to mend fences with a family member or with a best friend, at some point some form of peaceful civilized communication has to happen.
Scared as you are with sweaty palms, you still have to do it.
You can only imagine and think yourself to death of what the other person is thinking until you actually talk to that person.
The truth is that when we hurt the people we love, sometimes they may not want to engage with us for a while, and it’s okay.
The point is that you have extended an olive branch.
In due time, they will reach out.
A good life is not one without pain especially when we are dealing with human beings and relationships or friendships.
4. Focus on the small wins
You are not going to magically wake up and realize that you have forgiven yourself. It will be a long and potentially slow journey.
Because we are different people who deal with unforgiveness in different ways, we will each learn to forgive at our own pace.
That’s why it’s important to always celebrate the small wins.
Even if you seem to have a consistent uncomfortable feeling because you are carrying unforgiveness towards yourself you need to look for the silver lining.
Small wins could include learning to think positively about yourself. It could also mean that the person you have wronged has not forgiven you but has agreed to meet you for coffee. It’s a small win, worth being grateful for.
A small win could also be going through a whole day without feeling bad about the mistakes you have done.
It could also be that you learn to make better choices in life and stay away from the decisions.
No matter how small it is, write it down in this gratefulness journal and celebrate it.
5. Take responsibility
The blame game has never solved a problem and it will not start now.
Sometimes we struggle to forgive the people we have hurt because something inside us tells us that we are wrong but so is the other person.
This attitude and mentality are not helpful.
The act of forgiveness requires you to take full responsibility for your actions, thoughts, and feelings. Process the consequences of your actions and accept that you are responsible for the pain someone else is feeling.
Even if you are dealing with a romantic relationship, you have to be an accountable partner. Look at yourself in the mirror and be honest about the whole situation.
The worst thing you can ever do is to exonerate yourself and think the next person will take responsibility.
During this process of taking responsibility do not dwell on feelings of guilt but focus on making the situation better.
When we refuse to take responsibility for the mistakes we have made, we build toxic relationships. But the good news is that you don’t have to build toxic friendships and relationships.
The next thing after taking responsibility is to offer a sincere apology. You may think this is a long shot especially if you have really messed up, but just saying ‘I’m sorry’, goes a long way.
Although the focus is on how to forgive yourself for hurting someone you love, you must remember that your peace should not be at the expense of the person you have hurt.
6. Talk about it
After you have tried or spoken to the person you have wronged, the next step is to talk to a third unbiased party.
See a therapist who will help you process your thoughts and your feelings.
It is a good thing to sit alone and process your thoughts and feelings, but it is even better to talk to a professional about it.
These people are trained to listen attentively and to help you process difficult situations the right way.
If you cannot afford a therapist, find a close friend that you trust and talk to them. The value of talking to a third party is that they are not as emotionally charged as you.
Being an observer of a situation gives them the right and the privilege to give you the best advice and to be honest with you.
Focus on the small ways
7. If all else fails, move on
When you have done your best to reach out, you have to choose peace.
At some point, you have to make a conscious effort to get over what happened, even if it’s your fault. After you have dealt with the negative feelings, and you have done everything in your power to make peace you need to make a conscious decision to move on.
It is at this point that the healing process will start.
You are not only healing the negative emotions, but you are also making sure that your physical health is well taken care of. Whether you like it or not, navigating relationships and friendships is hard and it will weigh you down emotionally and physically.
When all is said and done you need to put yourself first and take care of yourself.
8. Let go, do not live in the past
Past-ville is not the destination, it’s just a temporary town that you have to move past. Do not camp there, there is nothing left for you there.
Regardless of the hurt and the pain that you have experienced and that you have caused other people, it’s important to let go.
What does letting go mean?
It means that you have to accept the past for what it is, learn from it and face forward.
It means you do not spend another day thinking about the past and what has happened.
You must also stop talking about the situation to anyone who cares to listen. Some of us think that we have moved on, but we keep talking about the past as if it was yesterday.
Yes, we spoke about talking to a professional because it helps, but you cannot still be agonizing over the hurt you caused 5 years ago.
Once you have dealt with it, move on.
Life goes on with or without you!
So do yourself a favor and let go of the past.
Surround yourself with people who love and care for you. When we’re facing things that are overwhelming and too much for us, we have to lean on each other.
As the saying goes, no man is an island.
It is human nature to seek refuge and support from fellow humans, do not be ashamed or embarrassed.
If you are really battling, seek advice and if it is affecting your mental health, see a mental health expert. Do not isolate yourself during this process of self-forgiveness.
9. Pray for self-love and healing
Yes, you have hurt other people but, in the process, you are always hurting yourself.
That’s why it’s important to pray and ask for God to help you love yourself and heal from anything that you are battling with.
Remind yourself that God has loved you and he will continue to do so even though you make mistakes. So why don’t you love yourself enough to forgive yourself?
Now that we have discussed how to forgive yourself for hurting someone you love, let’s talk about the benefits
The benefits of self-forgiveness
Holding onto unforgiveness towards yourself is without a doubt detrimental to you, so let’s quickly talk about some of the benefits of self-forgiveness and why you should forgive
- You sleep peacefully because you have let go of guilt and bad feelings that are eating you alive
- Decreased chance of heart disease
- Low cholesterol levels
- Living a happy, healthy, and peaceful life
- Increased productivity in every area of your life
- Great mental wellness
Final Thoughts
The best thing you can do for yourself is to forgive yourself. Forgiveness is an open wound that will continue to bleed until we deal with it. For some, the process may take a very long time but for others, it might not, but we will all eventually get to a state of forgiving ourselves.
The whole world is in need of forgiveness, including you.
Don’t allow past actions and mistakes to cloud your future. You have a future, outside of your mistakes, just be dedicated to not making the same mistakes again.
Unforgiveness can be a great source of stress that will affect your health, so do all you can to uproot it.
Please share with us how you have learned to forgive yourself. We are a community, always ready to help each other.
You are not alone, we’ve got your back!
