Firstly, kudos to you for being brave enough to walk away after such a long time. It was not an easy decision and process to go through.
Just in case no one took the time to tell you: you are strong, and you will get through it. It might not seem like that right this minute or this month but the fact that you woke up today means that you are a step closer today than you were yesterday.
Divorce is a life-changing situation, and no one expects you to just wake up and be fine as if everything is okay.
Because everything is not okay.
Also, the fact that you are here means that you are still not coping well.
Your whole life as you know it has just been toppled over so you need some direction to get to the point of stability and continue this healing process. A long marriage is not something that you snap out of overnight. It will take time. Just because the divorce proceeding has been completed and finished does not mean that the emotional, psychological, and mental proceedings are done.
In many cases, it is only after divorce is done that we start to emotionally process what has just happened and what it means. It is only then that the difficult time starts and the emotional experiences we just went through wash over us like a ruthless wave.
Let’s get right into some practical steps on how to get over a divorce after a long marriage.
How to get over a divorce after a long marriage.
1. Join a support group
I have put this as a first step because many people never do this, yet it is the best-proven way to help you move on. Do not underestimate the power of a support group that is made up of people who are sharing a similar experience to yours, not your best friends.
Note that I say similar, not the same.
This is because even if we are both going through a divorce we are not going through the same feelings and emotions.
However, the power of finding support and solace with such people who have been through similar situations is that they can sympathize and empathize with you. This means they understand what you are going through, and they are there to help.
Even if it’s just to listen, they are there for you.
It is also a good idea to join such a group because you get to share experiences with others and hears others’ experiences too.
Do not isolate yourself
No matter the pain, embarrassment, and feelings please sign yourself up for such a group and you will thank yourself later.
This new life that you are about to start requires others who have been through it to hold your hand. Yes, you are vulnerable, but it is only in this vulnerability that you will be able to learn how to get over a divorce after a long marriage.
What I also love about support groups is that there is no judging, condemnations, side stares, and pressure. You get to be yourself and realize that yes life is hard, and you are struggling but so are the five people in that room with you.
And no one is going to give up because everyone in that room has got each other back.
It’s not easy getting over a long-term marriage but joining a support group shows you that it is possible.
The bonus point here is that you get to also make new friends. So, keep an open mind.
2. Gather your close squad, you NEED them.
Whether it’s a family member or trusted friend, whoever you had closest to you during this period reach out to them.
Even if it’s just having coffee while both of you sit silently.
One day you might just need someone to hold you tight while you cry for a long time and that friend will be there for you. Do not think that you are a bother and that no one cares.
Because everyone cares, just allow them to show you that they care.
We are not meant to do life alone, and the fact that you got married for such a long time tells me that you understand this point. If anything, you are so used to doing life with someone that the adjustment to doing life alone would almost feel unbearable. So, get the support system going as soon as possible.
Either way what is a friend if you cannot call on them during these dark times?
A friend in need is a friend indeed.
And while you are learning how to get over a divorce after a long marriage you need a strong support network that will be by your side every day.
3. See a professional – I mean it
Yes, I know if you are a baby boomer this step is probably a swear word to you but trust me those people are there to help you.
This is because you were taught to keep everything inside and never wear your heart on your sleeve. This is why when older couples break up, they all look okay as if nothing has happened. But research shows that many suffer from stress-related health issues because no one knows they are hurting and are not okay.
So, schedule regular appointments with a therapist and keep them!
If your young kids or adult children also need therapy after the divorce, then make an appointment to see a family therapist and get everyone the help that they need. In fact, I would go as far as to say even if your kids feel that they do not need it, let them try it.
Therapy is not only about talking about feelings and emotions, but also about processing your thoughts and where your head is at the moment and why.
Therapy helps you understand and make sense of the noise in your head
It lifts the burden off your shoulders, and you do not get to feel like you are overwhelmed and are not copying. It helps you to gain perspective on all life matters and it helps you remove yourself from the situation and be an observer.
4. Focus on you, the earlier the better
Easier said than done, I know.
But the main thing here is to focus on having a level of self-awareness and working hard to improve it.
Being self-aware means, you understand your thoughts, feelings, emotions, behavior, and actions better than anyone else. It is only through focusing on yourself that you can unearth this knowledge about yourself.
It has been said that one of the reasons why the divorce rate is so high is that people are becoming more self-aware. This is because with marriage many lose themselves and they put all their effort into making the marriage work and making the other person happy.
In the process they are unhappy. An unhappy person makes an unhappy marriage.
So now that you have all the time in the world to refocus and reprioritize, I suggest you put yourself on top of that priority list.
Put your personal growth as a priority. It is only when you focus on yourself that you become a better person and a ray of sunshine to those around you.
Spend less time thinking about the past marriage and your ex-partner and rather think about how you can learn a new skill today. Instead of nurturing negative thoughts rather think about what new hobbies can you try this month.
Look for books to read in the genre that you enjoy.
Because you spent so many years in marriage it could be that you do not even what you like and don’t like anymore.
You even struggle to define yourself outside the boundaries of your marriage. So, this is the time to define and recreate who you are with what you want and what you enjoy.
Reinvent yourself.
You are a new person about to live a new life so the first place to start reinventing is within you.
The reason you are struggling to move on is that mentally and psychologically you are still married
You still have coffee every morning because your former partner enjoyed coffee even though you didn’t. Drink herbal tea if that’s what you enjoy.
The loss of your marriage is not the loss of you as a person. You get to have alone time and enjoy it however you want. Do that short online course you have always wanted or explore your childhood dream to be a doctor. Whatever it is that puts a smile on your face and keeps you going, please do it.
Embrace this newfound freedom, with no guilt whatsoever.
When your mind finds new things to do that it never did before it is challenged, and it becomes alive. It is distracted and does not focus much on the divorce. It allows you to open a new chapter without feeling horrible about it.
Now that you are single, try these solo date ideas and treat yourself to a nice time.
Honestly, no one deserves it more than you do. Reinventing yourself and focusing on personal growth gives you a good chance to move on without even realizing it.
Just remember that doing new things is not a way to spite your partner or prove to the world that you are doing better than when you were married. There is no need to share your new hobbies on social media if you intend to hurt other people.
But if you intend to help and build your community or build a strong social network with these found hobbies then please go ahead and use social media to your advantage.
Focusing on you is the best step in this guide on how to get over a divorce after a long marriage.
5. Divorce is loss, take the time to grieve (there is no time limit)
No one expects you to just throw away all those years of marriage as if they meant nothing, but the healing process will help you cherish the good memories and appreciate them but also take the lessons learned from the not-so-good times.
The truth is that you have just had a massive loss.
Your life went from sleeping next to someone you love to having the whole bed to yourself. It went from having a conversation about how your day was with your best friend to an empty house where the silence is so loud it’s uncomfortable.
So, for you to even expect yourself to have a divorce recovery time of 3 months is impossible.
That is why one of the best ways on how to get over a divorce after a long marriage is to give yourself time to mourn. It is a great way because it allows you to process the loss of a soulmate even if they are still alive.
Give yourself as much time as you need no one is holding a gun to your head and asking you to go out and start a new relationship with a new partner or to immediately have a flourishing social life with everything rosy.
No one.
If that person is there, kindly ask them to hit the road and let you grieve.
In the long run, you need to process the whole situation and heal. And that can only happen if you hit the pause button and allow yourself to feel every emotion and feeling that you must feel.
Cry it out, punch it out or scream it out.
Whatever floats your boat to feel the emotions, do it.
Do not rush to meet new people and move on until you have gone through the full grieving cycle.
6. Press STOP on that replay button in your head
Usually, after such a traumatic life experience our brains work overtime.
We start to think of what could have happened and why. We begin to process a lot of scenarios that could have happened but didn’t happen. This could be because our brains are struggling to understand the situation let alone process it.
This replay button could have feelings of guilt and also blaming yourself, thinking if only you have done things differently.
The opposite is also true because it could be that you blame the other person completely and are holding onto a grudge and possibly even hate.
Let me tell you what you already know, let go of the past and stop thinking about it, it is split milk there is nothing you can do about it. The past is exactly where it should be and where it should stay. Do not go poking at it, it will not change.
What you do have the power to do is to change the present.
Focus on that.
‘Could have’, ‘should have’, and ‘might have’ are triplets you do not want living rent-free if your head let alone in your space. The best thing you can do for yourself is to let sleeping dogs lie.
I know that a break up usually gives you the best time to reminiscence and think of everything, but do not stay too long in that mode you will become stuck.
Do not even feel like a failure because you are not. You are merely a human being going through a human experience.
If you want to get a handle on how to get over a divorce after a long marriage, you need to learn to control your thoughts, because they are powerful and they control you.
7. Get into a winning routine
For the longest time in your marriage, you followed a routine that you knew by heart. Who woke up first, who is making dinner on Sunday nights and who will pick up the kids from school?
All these things are what made your life what it was. You created predictability and a system that was working for both of you and the rest of the family. Dare I say you worked very hard to create that system and to get it to work almost perfectly.
But now that you are single that routine will not work anymore.
The good news is that you get to have fun creating a new one about your current life. I say you get to have fun, but you will likely have a hard time envisioning a new life routine let alone a routine without your lifelong ex-partner.
Moving from a routine of married people to that of a single person will be challenging but it is one of the things you need to do to help you move on.
I suggest you start with this morning routine. This is because the best way to set up your day right is to start your day right. The most important thing is to use these great tips in the routine to help you get going on your own.
Do not worry, it does not include a skin-care routine, you have bigger fish to fry than trying to follow a skin-care routine every morning.
If you are struggling to get over the divorce it is likely that you do not want to do anything. In fact, you probably have zero motivation to even take a shower so you need to get your mind and your body into a routine that it can follow.
You have to get into the habit of doing the mundane things that will make you feel a little normal.
Yes, some tasks will be harder than others because they remind you of your previous partner, but no one said life after divorce will be easy. If anything, life after divorce is the hardest. This is why you need a strong support network during this time to help you even get dressed and shower where necessary.
If you need help, ask for it.
There is no need to wallow in feelings of loneliness when you have people you can lean on who will make the journey feel at least 1% lighter. I know that it might not be in your nature to ask for help. And maybe you didn’t need anyone’s help because you always had your partner, but now things are different. You need to get out of your comfort zone and ask for help.
8. Keep a mindfulness journal
You are going through a lot so it’s important to take note of your mental health.
Make it your mission daily to check up on yourself. How did your day go and how did you feel, what made you angry and what made you sad?
Because you no longer have a partner to talk to about these things you need to have these conversations with yourself.
Use a mindfulness journal or a gratitude journal.
After some time, you will begin to see the days and times when you had a positive attitude and the days when you were sad, you will also see the common reasons for your sad days and what the triggers are.
When you part ways with your partner it means you are now fully responsible for yourself. It is up to you to make the right decision that will benefit you.
So, before you head back into the dating game, make sure your mental health is okay and you are okay too. Do not worry about what your former spouse is or is not doing, just focus on you.
This mindfulness journal will help you document your mental well-being on this journey of how to get over a divorce after a long marriage.
9. Pray and Fast for your recovery and healing
Nothing gets God’s attention like praying and fasting without ceasing. Seek God and ask him to heal you and help you focus on the future. Because the truth is no one feels and knows what you are going through like God.
Usually, in such cases, you could be wondering if he cares and if he sees.
He does.
How do I know, he said so in His word and he promised to never leave you nor forsake you. And one thing I also know, God is not a liar, what he says is true.
Right in the pit of your darkness and in the center of this difficult situation set aside time to fast and pray to God and ask him to heal your broken heart. Ask him to help you move one.
The power that comes with fasting and prayer is unmatched.
You are likely to be going through a wide range of emotions and the only one who can bring you never-ending peace and calm in your storm is your creator, God. When you fast, and earnestly pray to God, get ready for him to move you beyond what you ever imagined.
Get ready for him to do the impossible and to shock you.
After all, you are his most prized possession, and you are the apple of his eye.
He will do anything for his child you just have to ask.
Prayers for self-love and healing will help you and guide you during this difficult period. Whether you are struggling to let go of painful memories or you are just a ball of mixed emotions every day, God is by your side and he will be your calm and rest.
He is your sounding board when you just need to scream and he is there by your side when you just need to take a deep breath.
No matter the depth of pain, lean on God. Many make the mistake of deserting God during this time, but I urge you to be different. God is the professional help that you need.
Invite God into your situation through praying and fasting and watch him work in your life. Do not forget to have the master key: FAITH.
In conclusion
Divorce is hard but trying to live a normal happy life after divorce is even harder. No one is judging you. Take it one step at a time.
Be patient with yourself.
You have been through a lot, and it might get worse before it gets better but it will definitely improve. Before you know it, you will have reached the other side and will be able to motivate others on how to get over a divorce after a long marriage.
That’s how much of an expert you will be.
You will conquer this mountain. This community and I believe in you. Let us know any tips and tricks you used to get over someone in the comments section. You never know, you could be helping someone just by sharing.
