Marriage is fun but it’s also not easy. Dare I say it is not for the faint-hearted.
One of the worst storms to ever hit a marriage is infidelity or cheating. It has been mentioned as one of the top reasons that cause couples to divorce. This is because couples rarely recover from infidelity.
So today I am here to help you rebuild and restore your marriage.
Infidelity does not have to be the final nail to the coffin. The fact that you are here tells me that you are willing to do anything to save your marriage. You just want to know how.
And I have a few useful things for you to consider
I do not promise a magic guinea that will solve your problems overnight, but I do promise that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I, however, do not know the length of that tunnel and I do not know how long it will take you to get there but I know you will get there.
Take baby steps and I promise you will eventually walk, then run.
How to get over your wife cheating
1. Forgive her and yourself
It’s difficult and feels almost impossible, I know.
Especially if we consider the betrayal of trust that comes when a wife cheats on you. This is the first step because it helps release the prisoner you are holding in your heart due to unforgiveness.
The pain of infidelity can consume you if you harbor it inside you that’s why you have to forgive your cheating wife.
The only married couple that successfully goes through affair recovery is the one that learns to move past the initial shock of cheating and chose to forgive.
Notice I say choose because forgiveness is a choice.
It will not happen overnight; it will require hard work and intentionally choosing your peace of mind. I also say forgive because it is the right thing to do. If you do not forgive the poison of holding onto bitterness and anger will ultimately kill you.
A lot of people do not realize that not forgiving is a hindrance to moving on in every area of your life. When you are bitter it affects every aspect of your life.
If you intend to rebuild your marriage it will be impossible to build an emotional connection if you have not forgiven your wife for cheating.
That is why forgiveness is the first thing that you need to do on this list of how to get over your wife cheating.
Even if you prefer to divorce your wife, you still need to forgive. The end of your marriage and the end of the relationship should be a sign for you to forgive and move on.
Forgiveness is also a good sign that you are ready to let go.
You might be thinking that the fact that your wife had a sexual affair is unforgivable and you would rather plot revenge or play the blame game, but I urge you to rather choose to do the opposite.
The flip side of this coin is that you also have to forgive yourself.
You could be blaming yourself and wondering what you did wrong for her to cheat on you. Well, I say stop stressing and forgive yourself.
The initial stage of finding out that your partner cheats is difficult because you look for someone to blame, inevitably you could blame yourself. But look at the bigger picture and remind yourself that it’s useless to cry over spilled milk, you can only learn from it.
2. Begin with the end in mind
The end goal is to restore your marriage to its former glory.
The healing process after finding out about your unfaithful spouse starts by setting the end goal. This is because giving a cheating spouse a second chance is hard and halfway through the process you might want to quit.
So, if you have the end in mind, it will motivate you to keep going.
Going through marital problems is not unique and trying to fix them is not unique either. What is unique is starting with the end in mind.
Keep this goal in your mind it will be your lighthouse when the going gets difficult and cloudy.
For some of you, the end goal is to move on to a new relationship and not think about your wife’s cheating. What I am saying is that the end goal is different for different people, and you have to determine what is yours.
Your end goal is important for this journey.
Just as a side note, it is normal to change this end goal throughout the journey. You could start off wanting to rebuild the marriage and end off wanting to end the marriage and vice versa.
Do not feel bad, it happens, and it is normal. You could change your mind because you found new evidence or because of love, no matter what the reason is it is normal.
3. Get professional help, alone
Seeing marriage counselors is a good idea but this time I think it’s time you go to therapy alone.
These sessions are all about you. Yes, the infidelity happened within the institute of marriage, but you are an individual within that marriage and counseling will help you unearth your character and personality.
Because you are emotionally charged by this situation you need someone to help you process your thoughts, feelings, and emotions during this period. In short, you need to focus all your energy on improving your self-awareness.
And the one person who can help you is a therapist.
While going through this difficult period, it is a good time to assess your thoughts and emotions as an individual. Yes, you were in a loving relationship that is going through rough waters but just for a moment, I need you to focus on yourself by doing individual counseling.
Do not do this in secret, let your partner know that you are going for individual counseling sessions to help you process the situation.
This step is critical on this journey of how to get over your wife cheating. If you miss this step, you are shooting yourself in the foot.
4. Do not move out, unless absolutely necessary
I get that you need space, and you probably cannot stand sharing the same house let alone the same room with this person. But getting space might not work in this situation. You can only work on issues together if you stay together.
Space creates a gap and a void.
Nature does not allow for voids; it always finds a way to fill them.
If you move out, then that void will be filled by things that cannot be removed.
So, I suggest you do not make any important decisions like moving out during this period. This step on how to get over your wife cheating will be difficult, but it may be the thin line between success and failure.
However, if you feel that moving out is a personal decision that will help you clear your head and cool down a potentially volatile situation then do that. If you feel that the situation can become extremely toxic if you stay together in the same house, then I suggest you move out.
Possibly move in with family members or a good friend but try to not stay alone if you move out.
5. Understand that humanity is flawed by nature (nothing personal).
It’s easy to think that you occupy the moral high ground when you are dealing with an unfaithful wife.
And maybe you do.
But I want you to maybe look at this differently.
This is because despite your wife’s affair she has only fallen victim to making mistakes just like any other person. It is easy to think that you would never have done such a horrible thing and jeopardized that committed relationship you are in.
But remember that anyone is capable of doing even the most horrific thing, including you.
Unfortunately, the human mind is strange that way and we can only ever try to understand why it behaves the way it does.
Whether you are in a happy marriage or not may be irrelevant to why the cheating happened. But I want you to first realize that people are capable of being horrible and saying the most outrageous things.
As a betrayed partner your hurt and pain are justified but in the long run, I want you to understand that no one is perfect, not even you.
I don’t want to tell you that cheating is a mistake, but I want to shed light on the side of humanity that most of us seem oblivious to. Your wife’s infidelity is just evidence of the fall of humanity and that people are exactly that people. They are capable of good and bad.
The sooner you realize and understand that the sooner you stop being judgmental.
Yes, the situation was unfair, and it was a traumatic experience but no matter how good you think people are, you can never avoid pain, hurt, and betrayal on this planet.
It’s unfortunate that life served you this bitter pill. Each person has a cross to bear and yours is infidelity.
I know that that is not the good news you were hoping for, but it is the first step to helping you get over your wife’s affair.
6. Take Control of your thoughts (yes you have the power to control them)
The mind is a powerful tool.
It is capable of convincing you that hypothetical situations are real. It is also capable of convincing you that your feelings cannot be controlled.
That is why it is important for you to know that you can control your thoughts. As a man thinketh, so is he. Therefore, you must win the battle in your thoughts.
When you are trying to learn how to get over your wife cheating your mind will play interesting tricks on you. It may convince you that you are unworthy and that her cheating is your fault. It may convince you that your wife is this that and the other. But you need to choose your thoughts carefully.
This will require a lot of work because you need to recognize the intrusive thoughts as they come in and counter them with different positive thoughts. I know it’s difficult to think positively, but you have to try.
If you intend to rebuild a strong relationship with your wife, then I suggest you only entertain thoughts that are leading in that direction.
7. Do not play detective, focus on rebuilding.
Once someone cheats the partner that feels betrayed has their guard up. That means you could consciously and unconsciously start watching your wife’s every move.
You may be tempted to install a tracker or go through your wife’s cell phones but resist the edge.
You cannot control your wife’s actions, behavior, thoughts, and feelings. So, tracking them is not going to help you. It only highlights your insecurities and makes you live an unhappy life.
Do not take responsibility for anyone’s actions. The only person you have control over is you. Playing detective is a mind game to try and control your wife, do not fall for it.
When your wife cheats it’s more to do with her character and choices and not yours. So do not change the loving genuine and honest person that you are. A bad thing happened to you but do not let it turn you into a bad person.
If anything, I suggest you focus on rebuilding your relationship.
Use that detective energy to make your relationship better.
8. Pray your way through this difficult time
Yes, it is the solution to your problem.
Prayers are not magical. Just because you prayed today does not mean that you will wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine.
Prayer means you trust God to take control of the situation.
It means you tell God everything that you feel and then you stop worrying about it and stressing over it. Worrying does not change anything.
You will have to consistently pray and ask God to heal your heart and help you love yourself and other people again. Prayer allows you to be vulnerable in front of God and at the same time it shows God that you trust that he loves you and will take care of you.
If anything, let me remind you that God is not shocked by the situation, and he knew it would happen so trust him to show you the way forward. Trust him to give you the strength to get through it because he will give you the strength.
Use these prayers for self-love and healing to get you started.
I urge you to pray consistently and to keep the faith that God has got you at the palm of his hands.
9. Have a weekend away to emotionally reconnect.
The cracks in your marriage have led to infidelity so you have to work extra hard to close up those cracks. To do that I suggest you go on a weekend away with your wife.
Choose a holiday destination that both of you love.
Your intention for this holiday is to reconnect. When it’s just the two of you, then you get to have open and honest conversations about how to rebuild. Start with finding the cracks and how they can be fixed.
Remove any distractions such as phones and children during this time. Focus on your wife. Ask her what makes her happy, and sad, and how you can put that smile back on her face.
She is the same wife you fell in love with.
You know how to sweep her off her feet, do exactly that. Force your mind to think positively and to see her as the angel you have always thought her to be.
Make plans to improve your sex life. There are many different ways to do this, but you know your wife best so I will leave that in your capable hands (side wink).
Plan to take care of your wife’s emotional needs.
I know that it sounds surreal to try and make your wife feel like the queen that she is. But it is the best way to help you get over your wife cheating. Focusing on her helps you to refocus and to get out of your head.
Use this trip to spend more time together.
I put this as the second last point because after you discover that your wife is cheating it may be hard to look at her let alone be in the same room with her.
But it is something that I want you to try because it works.
10. Remember the good old days
This is going to be a painful exercise, but it is important.
This is because it’s not you who cheated it’s your partner. She chose to defile your marital bed by having not only an emotional affair but also a physical affair. This means she has likely forgotten why she fell in love with you but now you need to remember why you fell in love with her.
What were the little things about her that made you smile? What made you decide that she is the one? Where and how did you pop the question? At some point, she was your best friend whom you shared everything with.
Go down memory lane.
As bittersweet as it may be, it will give you a starting point.
Remember that now you are hurting and the perfect image you have of your spouse has been tainted. So, the best way to get a good image back is to think of the good times.
Think of your best vacation or best picnic together.
If you struggle use old photos to help you jog your memory. Looking at all these pictures could make you sad and angry, but this step will help you especially if you intend to rebuild the relationship
Bonus tips
Marital infidelity is hard, and it can affect your mental health so take a moment to take care of yourself. The world is not out to get you just because your wife cheated on you, you are just a human being who is experiencing something painful.
There will be a lot of pain and emotional turmoil, but you will survive. Use these steps to help you process the whirlwind of emotions and you will get to the other side of peace. Many married people struggle and go through a lot of troubles, but infidelity is a big one.
Do not feel bad for still having strong feelings toward your wife. She is the love of your life, so no one blames you for the roller coaster of emotions you are feeling.
What matters is doing the small things you can every day to be better and to move on.
After you have taken the steps on how to get over your wife cheating, I need you to trust time. Everything needs time and it will take time but only patience wins the long-term game.
