I know you are looking for ways to become a better communicator and listener with your partner, friends, and family members. This is because effective communication is hard, so we are here to help you become the Master of Communication.
Have you found yourself getting defensive and argumentative when discussing difficult topics or just things very close to your heart? Do you always hold very strong opinions and views and always believe that others are always wrong?
If so, this blog post is for you! Here, we’ll discuss the best strategies to help you stop being defensive and argumentative and to become a better listener.
From understanding the reasons why you are always angry and defensive to learning about how to stop reacting to everything and lastly, we will look at how to stop this toxic behavior, this blog has everything you need.
Dare I say that these strategies can help you become a better communicator and listener. Practice these in all your relationships and you will see the transformation in how you relate to people and how they can relate to you.
So, let’s get started!
― Melanie A. Smith, Bad Boys Don’t Make Good Boyfriends
Why am I always so angry and defensive
The reason why you are so angry, and defensive is that you feel attacked, misunderstood, and belittled. You feel that everyone is always out to get you hence the defensive response you always give. You feel the need to argue your point until you are heard.
Being angry and defensive is a coping mechanism that you use to deal with uncomfortable situations that challenge you. The good news is that you know that you are a defensive person, and you are willing to work on it and improve your personality.
Remember that defensive behavior does not just happen overnight, it is triggered by something or someone. It can be something internal or external. It could also be some childhood trauma such as abandonment issues that you have not fully processed that makes you angry and defensive all the time.
Maybe you have been through so much emotional pain and are struggling to cope and you end up becoming defensive in all relationships.
Despite the reasons for being angry and defensive, the key is knowing that you have a level of control over the situation. You are not powerless, you have the power to control your own behavior and that is exactly what this blog is about, to help you take back control of your life and stop the defensiveness and arguments.
How do I stop reacting to everything
The only way to stop reacting to everything is to be proactive. Being proactive means being self-aware, being in charge and taking initiative to respond the right way.
Reactive people are like a can of coke, when they are shaken by life challenges the pressure builds up within and they explode, while proactive people are like water. No matter how much you shake them they are cool calm and in control.
Realize that things do not have to happen to you, you can take control.
You can decide what you take part in, and you can decide to take charge of your life and your situation.
Remember you are responsible for your reactions, behaviors, and thoughts. You are responsible for yourself not anyone else. You cannot control the weather and other people’s behaviors and words, but you can control your own. Once you realize you have the power you will stop reacting you everything.
Not everything happening in your life requires a response.
Sometimes, let things happen and allow the universe to handle them.
One other way to look at it is that you can choose to be happy and smile during a storm. Yes, you don’t control the storm, but you can control your attitude during the storm.
By controlling your attitude, you are controlling your perspective of the situation and giving yourself enough time to fully process the situation before instinctively responding.
Learn to sleep on things and learn to talk things through before reacting. Sometimes situations solve themselves without you even raising a finger if you give them the time to do so.
Another important thing to remember is that you can choose actions but not the consequences of those actions, so choose your actions wisely.
It’s not always what others do or what we do but rather our response to it that matters. Take responsibility. It’s only when you are responsible that you become effective
Before we talk about how to stop being defensive and argumentative let’s quickly talk about why you feel attacked.
― De philosopher DJ Kyos
Why do you feel attacked?
I know that in the heat of the moment, it may be difficult to take time out and ask yourself this question, but you have to.
Have an introspection session where you look at the real reason why you feel that people are attacking you from every angle. What kind of conversations triggers your defensiveness and anger?
Do you feel attacked because of the content of the conversation or is it the tone, environment, setting, or attitude that was displayed during the conversation? Perhaps the mood or the fact that you had a rough day is contributing to your defensiveness?
Be honest with yourself, it’s the only way you can have effective communication with other people.
Understanding why you are feeling attacked is the first step and the best way to start dealing with a defensive reaction.
Now that you understand yourself and the situation much better, let’s talk about how to stop being defensive and argumentative.
― Brian Luke Seaward, Managing Stress in Emergency Medical Services
How to stop being defensive and argumentative
1. Differentiate a real attack from a perceived attack
Most of us are defensive and argumentative during conversations because we cannot differentiate between a real attack and a perceived attack.
So that means our responses for both a real attack and a perceived attack are the same.
When you sense that you are being attacked you get your guard up and want to protect yourself and defend your position. At this point it will not matter whether you are standing in the right or the wrong, what will matter to you is defense.
Defensiveness is very common in romantic relationships when people are dating or even married couples. This is because although these intimate relationships mean a lot to us, we sometimes feel like these people are out to get us.
Sometimes it can be as innocent as asking if you washed the car, remembered to pick up the kids, or ordered dinner. The truth is anything can be perceived as an attack that triggers defensiveness.
That’s why it’s important for you to know whether your partner, friend or family member is really attacking you or it’s all just a figment of your imagination.
So, the next time you feel attacked, assess the situation honestly. A good idea to do this is to ask honest questions to the person you feel is attacking you. Ask them if they are really attacking you or not.
Honesty is key when building intimate relationships. It is also a healthy way to iron out what is real and what is not. It opens the conversation so that you are both on the same page.
If it is a perceived attack, then the best thing for you is to calm down and stop being defensive. Remember arguing is not communication. It is going around in circles and hoping you will find an exit (spoiler alert, you won’t).
If it is a real attack, then you can start having a different conversation about why you are being attacked. You will then continue to practice the next steps which we will provide for you in this article.
Most relationship problems start with miscommunication that’s why you need to do your best to differentiate real from perceived and continue to communicate further.
2. Breathe before counter-attacking
This next step sounds simple, but it is the hardest. This is because during conversation emotions run high very quickly and we tend to forget to breathe.
The only thing we are focusing on is what will I say next to counter this attack. How can I get out of this conversation with my dignity and integrity still intact? How can I fight back? And how can I win?
While all these thoughts are going through our brains we forget to breathe.
So, the next time you feel yourself becoming defensive and starting to argue take a step back and breathe.
Breathing allows you to take breaks or pauses to avoid escalating the situation.
Breathing is miraculous because it allows air into your brain and your body. This then allows your brain and body to relax. A lot happens when you release tension, and your body begins to relax.
You may begin to see the situation and the conversation in a better way than before.
Just taking in a deep breath before speaking can shed a lot of positive light on what could have been an intense and emotionally charged conversation or interaction.
It also allows you to not speak the first thing that comes to your mind. So, while you breathe think about the words you will say next.
How best will they aid the conversation? Is what you’re about to say next useful? Will it build or break down the relationship? Will it provide a positive way forward?
These are things that you need to answer while you do this breathing exercise. This step on how to stop being defensive and argumentative will save you a lot of relationship trouble.
It will cool down the defensive attitude and calm down the situation.
3. See life through the other person’s lens
One thing that makes us defensive and argumentative is that we hold a very strong position, and that position is that we are right, and the other person is wrong.
We are all very focused on putting our point across that we barely have time to understand the other person’s point. We do not try to understand the most important things that are at the heart of the conversation because we think what is important is only what we have to say.
Well, life is not like that. And I am sorry to tell you that you are not always right even if you believe otherwise.
If anything, you are not always the smartest person in the room and as such you need to put in the effort to listen to another person.
Take the time to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and try to understand why they think, act, behave, and talk the way they do. It’s only when we do our best to see life the way the next person sees it that we begin to see different perspectives of the arguments.
Do not use past experiences to interpret your current situation. Things may be different in this situation and that is why you need to take the effort to see things for what they are.
Seeking to understand the other person allows you to build an emotional bank account with the person you are in a relationship with.
This step on how to stop being defensive and argumentative is important because it helps you see that we do not all see things the same way. We may be looking at the same thing, but we interpret it differently based on our past life experiences.
And both people could be right in their interpretation.
4. Listen with Empathy
Practice emotional intelligence and listen to understand. During intense conversations, the only thing going on in your mind is how can I respond to this.
You are not listening to understand the other person. Listening is a skill that we should all have but it is very difficult to practice. When you do not listen, you do not have a constructive conversation because all you want to do is respond.
Every defensive action that you take comes from not listening effectively and making decisions while emotionally charged.
The good news is that you do not have to live life defensively and argue with every person in your life. You can choose to listen to understand. Just this one step will have a positive influence on how you communicate effectively with those around you.
Even if you feel that you are not defensive, but you are dealing with a defensive partner, take the time to listen to your partner. When your partner feels that you are listening and that you understand them, they will lower their guard and stop being defensive.
Remember that most people who are always defensive have very low self-esteem and when you take the time to listen to them and validate their thoughts and feelings you improve their self-esteem and help them open up to conversation.
Listen carefully and actively to the other person’s point of view. Learn to acknowledge the other person’s feelings and try to understand their perspective
For all you know your perspective is the wrong one.
Listening is a skill that you will have to learn on how to stop being defensive and argumentative. You will never successfully conquer being defensive unless you master listening.
The more you listen the more you deposit into that emotional bank account and build better healthier relationships.
5. Think of a win-win solution
For you to stop being defensive and argumentative you need to train yourself to think win-win. Defensiveness and arguing come from the need to be right and other people/persons to be wrong.
But what if there was another way?
What if there was a way to be heard without being defensive? What if the situation could be solved without arguing and shouting insults at each other?
Well, I can guarantee you that you just need to see things differently. You have been looking at it the wrong way. You don’t have to argue for you to feel important or feel like you are in charge.
This is where you have to think win-win during a conversation. Think of a solution that both people can benefit from. Whatever the issue is that is on the table you can find a way that makes both of you smile.
The only thing you need to do is to be willing to think positively outside of the box.
Instead of trying to be the one who has the last word, rather see if both of you can have the last word. More often than not you will realize that you both can find a solution without being defensive.
Instead of thinking of a snappy comeback to criticism rather think about solutions.
Thinking win-win means that during the conversation you take the time to ask all the questions that will clarify any area where you disagree. Avoid making assumptions and ask questions. Instead of assuming you know what the other person is thinking.
Ask questions and make sure you are both on the same page
Only when you understand the other person’s pain points will that person be open to understanding your pain points and ultimately be open to having a win-win conversation.
Sometimes it can be difficult or perhaps impossible to find a win-win solution. In such situations, you need to find a compromise that works for both parties.
Look for common ground.
― Amit Ray, Enlightenment Step by Step
6. You are not an innocent victim.
This is a difficult one, but I think it is the right time to tell you that you are not an innocent victim. The first thing that comes to your mind while you are being defensive is that people are out to get you, but you don’t deserve that, and you are innocent.
Well, you are not.
When you come to this realization you will become less defensive and argue less.
Thinking of yourself as a victim takes the power away from you and gives it to someone else or gives it to the circumstances.
Take your power back.
This can be difficult, especially in romantic relationships. For example, if you had a rough day at work and all you want is to get home and sleep. However, when you get home your partner starts giving you critical feedback about your recent behavior.
Because you are not emotionally ready and equipped to handle this critical feedback you become defensive and think you are a victim, and your partner is out to get you.
Being defensive will not help the situation, it will escalate it. That’s why you need to understand that you are not always the victim.
More often than not, you have a hand in the problem, and you need to do your part to fix it. Yes, your wife might not have chosen the right time to address her concerns, but you also should not respond defensively.
Acting like a victim is a sign of defensiveness that does not solve the situation. This sign of defensiveness means that you believe it’s not your fault, but someone else’s fault and that person should therefore fix things
7. Take responsibility for part of the problem
People usually become defensive when it’s time to discuss important issues such as toxic personalities, behaviors, and tendencies that threaten the health of the relationship.
No one likes being told that they have bad tendencies and that they need to do better. We all think very highly of ourselves, and we tend to think it’s the other person that has a problem.
That’s why people become defensive and start arguing when someone has a different view than the one, they hold.
But life is not like that, no one ever has the same view as the next person.
That’s why it’s important to realize the role or the part that you play in the situation. After you realize that you are not a victim you immediately realize that you need to be responsible for your share of the problem.
Instead of being defensive, acknowledge that you had a hand in the way things turned out, and if you do better the next person does better, and the world becomes a better place.
So instead of arguing your way out of a problem, stay and fix it.
8. Be aware of your behavioral blind spots
One way to stop being defensive is to realize that you do not fully understand the impact you have on other people.
While we may be defensive because we think we are right, we do not understand how our actions and behaviors make other people feel. Behavioral blind spots mean that you are not aware of the facial expressions that you give during a conversation and how the next person interprets them.
It also means that you give off non-verbal cues that you may not be aware of. These cues can be interpreted in many ways and usually, these may be negative ways.
So, you may think that you are listening and that you are innocent, but your body language may be saying something else that could be escalating the situation.
That’s why you need to be aware of your behavioral blind spots.
Other people will let you know what your blind spots are, receive this criticism well, and change.
These are all the key tips on how to stop being defensive and argumentative. I am sure if you practice even one of these, your communication skills will be better, and you will build healthy relationships.
― Bryant McGill, Simple Reminders: Inspiration for Living Your Best Life
How do you break defensive behavior
Be open to being critiqued and change. You are not perfect and there is always room for improvement in your personality and behavior. Defensive behavior can be broken by openly implementing the strategies above, if all else fails speak to a therapist.
If you have a defensive friend, partner, or family member, create a safe environment where even the defensive person can express their thoughts and feelings.
In this safe space watch your body language and tone of voice. Do not give the person showing this type of behavior a hard time by speaking down on them or shouting at them. The only way to break defensive behavior is through open and honest conversation.
Practice constructive criticism of the person who has defensive behavior and remind them that you have their best intentions at heart. It will not happen overnight, but it will happen. Give anyone who has defensive behavior the benefit of the doubt.
Be patient.
Another important thing that helps to break defensive behavior is to learn to communicate needs and mistakes constructively. Do not state your partner’s mistakes as if they are defects but rather as areas of improvement.
No one wants to feel like they have defects, but we all appreciate constructive criticism.
Final Thoughts
Having strong opinions and being enthusiastic about them can be a great thing, but when it goes too far and leads to defensiveness and argumentativeness, it can cause unnecessary conflict.
If you find yourself getting too defensive or argumentative in conversations, try these steps to be more open to other people’s opinions and to de-escalate arguments.
If you have more tips on how to stop being defensive and argumentative, share them with the rest of our community in the comments section below. Let’s help each other grow and become better people.
