6 Signs of a toxic relationship and what to do

Toxicity usually starts off subtle but is detrimental to the growth of any relationship, friendship, and even a situationship. Toxic behaviors destroy every relationship from personal, romantic, work, and even family relationships.

It’s important to talk about the signs of a toxic relationship because most people do not know they are in a toxic relationship. Dare I remind you that if you don’t know you have a problem you will not fix it.

In some cases, toxic relationships are fatal.

Let me quickly tell you a short story to understand the nature of toxins.

I once heard of an entire village that became sick and no one could find out why. After a few visits to the doctors, it was found that the community had been drinking poisoned water. When investigations were done it was found that the stream from the mountain that the village relied on to drink and cook was contaminated.

However, the water still looked clean and didn’t smell bad so no one in the community realized the water was poisoned. The scientist then discovered that an animal had died upstream and was decaying into the stream.

The chemicals were then carried downstream where the village consumed them unknowingly.

Because chemicals are foreign to the naked eye, they are more destructive. More like silent killers.

Toxicity is the same.

Let’s talk about what is a toxic relationship or a toxic person and what you can do about it. When you do nothing about a situation, the situation wins, and life will likely happen to you.

Only dead fish flow with the river, don’t be a dead fish.

Carve your way through life by making the best decisions for yourself.

Toxic relationships may be from people who want to destroy you so you have to be careful.

Myths about a toxic relationship

The other person is toxic not you

Most of us are toxic but we don’t even realize it. We say toxic things and hold onto toxic beliefs which we then impose onto others (usually subtly). As we talk about toxicity in a relationship take a hard look at the man in the mirror.

Usually, if you change him, everything else in the world changes.

By changing you, you become the best self version.

If you find that you are a non-toxic partner, then you can talk to the other person and then both of you can work together to build the healthiest relationship.

Where there is love, toxicity cannot exist

When we are in love or when we love someone so much, we tend to ignore all the bad habits and behaviors that come with them. This means we are blind to toxic behavior.

Don’t let love blind you and cloud your judgment when it comes to toxic behaviors.

A toxic relationship will cause you to stress which is not good for your heart, so you have to deal with this situation immediately. So, let’s get straight into the signs of a toxic relationship.

Signs of a toxic relationship

These are some of the prevalent toxic relationship signs. Some of these may be new to you and for some, you may not even realize that it is toxic behavior.

1.     Co-dependency

Codependency is when you are in an enmeshed relationship. This is when you practically live and breathe inside the skin of your significant other. Codependency in a relationship means that you and your partner share one identity.

You have no self-image and very little self-esteem.

Yes, you are one but before you are someone’s partner or parent you are your own individual. You have your own interests, beliefs, hobbies, and all other things that make you unique.

Codependency means sacrificing your life, dreams, and goals for your partners. In everything you do your partner’s needs, hopes and dreams come first.

A codependent relationship can be toxic as you lose your identity as an individual. Most people don’t realize they are codependent, so we have created a list of some codependent behaviors. Look at this and if a lot of these are common in your relationship it’s probably time to re-evaluate it.

• You endlessly worry about your partner and obsess over them and their well-being.
• You cannot describe your hobbies and interests without mentioning your partner
• You cannot spend time alone without your partner
• You always want to know where your partner is and what they are doing. Even when you are out with friends you are still on your phone with your partner
• You spend all your free time and weekends with your partner even going as far as to cancel plans with other people to be with your partner
• Your partner’s feelings, ideas, and thoughts are your feelings, ideas and thoughts. You are not an independent thinker
• You feel emotionally unsafe talking about your feelings but always talk about your partner’s feelings and stresses
• Everything you do is about pleasing your partner (from the food you cook to the places you visit for your holiday and the clothes you wear)
• You hate spending time with yourself on a solo date and you cannot do anything without your partner
• You need your partner’s approval, validation, and thumbs up before doing anything. You lack self-esteem

If your relationship has any of these red flags have a nice sit down with yourself and work on it. If you need the help of a professional contact one and talk about all the issues you noticed about codependency.

After you have worked on yourself then you can work on your relationship with your partner. It does take two to tango.

The mentality that if my partner is happy, I am happy, can be a sign of a toxic unhealthy relationship.

This is the first of six signs of a toxic relationship.

2.     Passive aggression

Passive aggression is one of the top toxic behaviors that kill a relationship. Toxic people use passive aggression tactics to hurt the other person.  It can also be family members or friends that turn a good relationship into an abusive relationship.

A toxic person usually loves freezing out other people and stonewalling. They will ignore you to death. These are people who during a fight withdraw and do not want to talk about things. Instead, they opt to hurt you with silence.

These people know that ignoring you will hurt you.

This sign of a toxic relationship from either a romantic partner or friend will eventually affect your mental health. If this silent treatment is a constant thing in your relationship, please seek professional help.

Another aspect of passive aggression is gaslighting. This is becoming more and more common in relationships. It is a form of manipulation where one partner makes the other partner feel like they are suffering from memory loss.

This is a very dangerous form of manipulation where one partner controls the other partner. They want to control their thoughts and feelings. These manipulators want things done their way, especially in romantic relationships.

Passive aggression can also be a partner who is always negative. They say hurtful insults and mask them as compliments. They also send offensive text messages and end them with lol and smiley emojis.

Some even go as far as posting insulting posts on social media and they think it’s okay.

These are people who also bring up past mistakes to hurt you or lower your mood.

Such people could be your in-laws, employees, or even your trusted friend.

Whether it’s because they are having a bad day or not some people are naturally negative. They never see the negative in any situation.

There are also emotionally volatile people. You are tempted to walk on eggshells around them because anything you say can and will trigger an emotional response.

If you see any of these signs of a toxic relationship in most of your relationships, it’s time to reevaluate your life.

Passive aggression is the second of six signs of a toxic relationship, let’s talk about the third one.

3.     Controlling and not compromising

A major red flag in any relationship is loving control. A human being by nature loves being in control.

Most of us forget that we cannot control everything.

Instead, we try to control our partner and our relationship. These bad behaviors can start with verbal abuse and go all the way to physical abuse. All this in an effort to control the next person so that they do what you want.

The best way to see a controlling person in a relationship is a person who believes they are always right. They want things to be done their way at their time.

It’s always their way or the highway.

 There is no healthy way to be controlling. Controlling people never compromise.

They want to go through your phone and tell you who can be your friend and who cannot. They threaten you and are condescending, making you feel stupid and belittled.

Relationships are about meeting each other halfway, but in toxic relationships things always go one person’s way.

No matter how much you express your needs, wants and thoughts they are ignored.

Eventually, the partner who is ignored feels like they are not good enough. They start to doubt themselves and their value. They begin to have low self-esteem.

Toxic people are self-centered, and they prioritize themselves over the entire relationship. They believe love and mutual respect are not as important as them getting their way

4.     You become your partner’s parent

This is also an element of codependency and being toxic. If you find yourself playing the role of a partner’s parent instead of a partner, then you may be in a toxic relationship.

It’s more like babysitting but in a romantic relationship. Your emotional needs are not taken care of, but you keep taking care of your partner’s emotional needs.

You bathe, cook and clean after your partner. It feels like you keep giving and your partner keeps taking.

What started out as a good thing quickly becomes hard work and you don’t enjoy the relationship anymore.

Although we hardly talk about it, becoming a partner’s parent is the first step to being in a toxic relationship.

If you realize that all the effort ALWAYS comes from you and the other person seems to just be enjoying the ride, then maybe it’s time to rethink things.

Look at your relationship and see if any of these red flags are prevalent and start working on them.

5.     Manipulation and you can never say no

Manipulation is one of the most toxic traits of any relationship. Some people have become experts at manipulating other people. These are people who will do anything to get their way in a relationship.

They never try to listen with understanding. They cannot wait for you to stop talking so that they can convince you of their ideas, opinions, and thoughts. These people always think they are right, they justify every wrong they do.

They hate confrontation and are naturally defensive.

Manipulative people are not reasonable, and they lack good communication skills.

Be careful and pay close attention to manipulative behaviors and bad behaviors even if it’s being done by your best friend.

I have found that having a manipulative partner in past relationships has caused cracks in the relationship. When I realized I was being manipulated it broke the trust I had in my partner.

Whenever he told me something I always wondered if he was genuine or simply manipulating me.

Dare I say the lack of trust ate away at the relationship until there was nothing left of it.

One of the important things to never do in a relationship is to not manipulate your partner. Let your partner make their own decisions and mistakes.

You can advise but you cannot manipulate. Remember that advice is advice it can be taken or rejected.

The sad thing about manipulation is that you never realize it until it’s too late. Sometimes you don’t realize it but someone else might tell you that they think you are being manipulated.

Listen to them and look for the signs.

There are various tools that people can use to manipulate you:

• Money and gifts

• The blame game and the relationship scorecard (keeping a record of all your partner’s wrongs and reminding them each time)

• Holding the relationship hostage when you don’t get your way (example: deciding to not cook or be there for your partner because you need something)

• Emotional blackmail, tantrums

• Physical abuse

 

6.     Lack of emotional support

This is an interesting one because we assume relationships are based on supporting each other and being there for each other but the opposite can be true.

If you feel you cannot be open with your partner about your emotions because this will later be used against you, you must be careful. Lack of emotional support is a toxic situation because we are emotional beings who connect at an emotional level.

When there is a lack of support in our relationship, we bottle things up and you don’t need me to tell you that bottled things up always explode in the end, and it’s never a pretty picture.

An emotionally supportive partner allows you to freely share your thoughts and feelings. You are allowed to share your true feelings or vent after a bad day and if you lose a loved one you can count on your partner for emotional support.

Sometimes we need emotional support, but we don’t communicate that to our partners because we feel that they should just know this.

In any relationship, no one is a magician. They cannot guess or assume what you want and need, you have to communicate it clearly and calmly.

It may also be that after reading this you realize that you are in a healthy relationship but maybe you see these signs in your friend’s relationship or another family member and you feel they can benefit from this article.

Share it with them.

Although there are many types of toxic relationships no one deserves to live with and around toxic people. So, this article is to highlight the signs of a toxic relationship and how to deal with them so you can live a better life.

Now that we have discussed the common signs of a toxic relationship let’s talk about what you can do and most importantly what you should not do.

What not to do in a toxic relationship

If you realize that you are in a toxic relationship, there are a few things that you should not do. Most of these are the default reactions that everyone else has to a toxic relationship.

So be embarrassed, you are not alone.

But you don’t have to live this way.

A wise person once said, “if you don’t like where you are, move you are not a tree”.

1. Don’t numb your feelings

Do not ignore how a toxic relationship makes you feel. Your feelings, thoughts, and ideas are valid, and they deserve to be listened to and heard. Bottling things up is not a solution

2. Don’t hope for change

Do not sit down and hope that your partner, friend, or family member will wake up one day and stop being toxic. A senior colleague of mine always said, “hope is not a strategy”.

You need a solid plan.

You have to speak up and have an action-based plan to address this toxic situation. It will not go away overnight especially if you plan to bury your head in the sand and hope things change.

3. Don’t be shy or feel bad

Most of us refuse to address toxic relationships because we are shy, or we are more concerned about hurting the other person’s feelings. We are scared of rocking the boat or shattering that close relationship that we have.

Be brave enough to express your concerns that you could be in a toxic relationship and find ways to change that. We will talk about ways to deal with a toxic relationship.

Don’t sit in silence while you die on the inside, speak out.

4. Don’t tolerate it

No, don’t tolerate toxic behavior or any toxic relationship. Trust, respect, and love should be some of the pillars keeping your relationship strong. But do not tolerate being mistreated and being looked down on.

Don’t give people the license or pass to mistreat you.

You are nobody’s doormat or punching bag, never forget that.

If you are scared you will never find love again, or that you are not good enough, or that you don’t deserve better let me be the first one to remind you that YOU ARE ENOUGH, AND YOU DESERVE BETTER!

Never let your thoughts trick you into hating yourself.

Remember that sometimes you can be your own worst enemy.

What to do in a toxic relationship

The good news is that if you are in a toxic relationship, not all is lost. It can still be changed. You can turn things around. It will require time and effort but because you love your partner and those around you, you will make time for the relationships that matter to you.

Although there may be subtle ways to deal with the signs of a relationship, you need to understand that you need to deal with toxic behaviors intentionally because it is a real problem.

• Talk to your partner about it – good partners will listen and be willing to work with you to make the relationship better.

• Talk to a trusted friend or family member – talking about things has a way of giving you a new perspective and getting some weight off your shoulders

• See a family therapist if you have a toxic relationship with family members

• Go to couples therapy if you and your partner are in a toxic relationship

• Protect your space and set boundaries – toxic people will continue to be toxic so it’s up to you to set healthy boundaries around you or your family.

Toxicity is for a season (Really?)

Maybe you are in shock because your partner, friend, or family member was not always toxic.

Somehow, somewhere, something changed, and you are not sure what happened.

You know they have been behaving out of character for a while, but you know that this is not who they are. This is when we maybe must explore that maybe this is toxicity for a season.

It could be that it’s a stressful time at work, school, or life and somehow this has triggered toxic behaviors. Maybe there is financial stress or mental health issues, or maybe physical health is deteriorating, and this is putting additional stress onto the relationship.

These factors could cause someone who is not naturally toxic to be toxic. In such situations, you have to talk about it. It may be a season for a short time, or it may be a season for a long time.

Talk about it.

Some of the warning signs of a toxic relationship can also come from substance abuse. This could be that when your partner is intoxicated, they become toxic. This is a bad situation that you must address quickly and get out of it if it is not changing.

Some people suffer from bipolar disorder which could be the explanation for their toxic behavior. If this is characteristic of your behavior see a clinical director or clinal psychologist and talk about it and get medical attention.

Last words

Do not normalize toxic behaviors. Just because society thinks it’s okay does not make it okay. Some of the strongest people I know are scared to talk to their loved ones about toxic behaviors. They opt to sweep things under the carpet and not talk about it.

Ignorance is not bliss.

It’s only a matter of time before that behavior grows into a monster that no one can tame, we don’t want that.

To make your relationship work you have to uproot the early signs of a toxic relationship.

Bonus tip

When you are dealing with the different signs of a toxic relationship, it’s important to understand the causes of this behavior. Does it come from unresolved childhood experiences?

When your partner gaslights you or disrespects you in front of other people is it because of some psychological abuse that they suffered in the past that they are now projecting onto you?

Is their emotional health unstable and that’s why they are toxic? Perhaps your partner’s behavior a result of something external and not you? Is this toxic behavior something that happens on a regular behavior, or does it happen as a result of something else?

Answering these questions can give insight into dealing with a toxic person.

If the toxic behavior continues and you want to end the relationship that is okay. Find happiness on your own.

Share any other signs of a toxic relationship that you have experienced or heard. Let’s help each other build safer, respectful relationships.