Relationships are great until they are not. I am a die-hard romantic at heart. I am a sucker for love and seeing couples walking hand in hand makes me happier than eating chocolate (also I hate chocolate).
But no matter how in love you are, sometimes things never work out and you need to call it a day. If someone breaks up with you it hurts but now, it’s your turn to pull the plug.
Now you are nervous and worried about the right way or perhaps the best way to do it because you are not a bad person.
Breakups can be messy, to say the least.
So, you need a plan and I have one, sit back and grab a drink, I’ve got you.
Why do you want to break up (with someone you love)
Before we get into the how let’s talk about the why.
Talk to me, what went wrong?
How did you move from love birds hit by Cupid’s arrow to you searching for how to end a long distance relationship with someone you love? Perhaps you no longer see a future with this person. Maybe you found someone else, or you just don’t want to be in a relationship anymore.
Honestly, there are a million reasons why you would want to break up with someone you love, you just need to be honest with yourself.
Break-ups are permanent and they involve someone else and sometimes they involve other people like friends and family. So, whatever you are about to do you have to be sure.
No backsies
If you have just fought, rather wait calmly until you have calmed down. Don’t make harsh decisions. Always keep a cool head.
If you have set your mind on going ahead with the breakup, then let me give you some basic guidelines that will save you.
Is this the end of a relationship and friendship too?
When you break up with someone decide whether you still want to keep in contact with this person. Would you rather be friends and not completely lose touch? Or perhaps you still love this person but want nothing to do with this person?
You need to have an honest conversation with yourself before talking to your soon-to-be ex.
What NOT to do
Well, when we talk about how to end a long distance relationship with someone you love we need to start with the things you should not do. More often than you realize breakups end up messy because we do and say the wrong things.
I am no expert, but some guidance will not hurt, right?
Don’t let temporary situations cause you to make permanent decisions.
As I said before, a breakup is a permanent thing, and it should not be based on our fickle emotions. As adults say, do not make any decisions while you are angry or experiencing any extreme emotions. These could be feelings of betrayal, sadness, defeat, rage, or even a deep desire for revenge.
It’s always a good idea to keep your emotions in check and to keep your head straight before you end a relationship with someone you love. That’s why timing is important. Break up at the right time when you are levelheaded.
Couples fight all the time, and they have disagreements always. Not every fight or disagreement should lead to a breakup. Love triumphs over a lot of things.
The good thing is that if you are unhappy about anything in your relationship you can always talk about it with your partner.
Disclaimer: Abuse is not a temporary situation even if it happens once.
Not over the phone, through a letter, or social media, please
Yes, long-distance couples use the phone as the main source of communication, but a long-distance breakup should not be done via a phone call or text messages. Do not even think about doing it via a social media post or through a DM.
Be respectful.
The most important things or conversations are not done through text messages. Therefore, my advice is that the only way to break up with someone you love is to meet physically where possible.
Also, please don’t send a whole love letter to break up with your partner. I am sure your relationship has stood the test of time and the least it deserves is some dignity while breaking up.
Don’t start acting up.
The right way to breakup is not to start acting up. Do not now pretend you have no idea what I mean. Ignoring your partner’s calls or ignoring messages from your long-distance partner is not a good thing to do. It’s also not the right thing to be rude and mean during your communication.
Whether you are feeling neglected, revengeful, or bitter do not intentionally do things that will hurt your partner to breakup with him. You put in the effort to make the long-distance relationship work, the last thing you want is to flush all that work and love down the drain with some silly actions.
If for some reason you are spiteful and do not care about your partner, then I suppose you avoid acting up out of respect and integrity for yourself.
Also, life is like a wheel, what goes up will come down, so if you feel like acting up because you don’t love your partner anymore. Think again.
Life might make your paths meet again and you might need each other.
Life is funny like that because it has a sense of humor.
Don’t cheat
Yes, you are planning on breaking up but please do not cheat. Technically you are still in a relationship because you are thinking about breaking up but have not actually done it.
It is a red flag if you start seeing someone while in another relationship. It shows you have no respect for yourself and the next person.
The best way to start a new relationship is only after a breakup. Even then, you need to give yourself time to process the breakup even though you are the one initiating it.
I am not one to prescribe how much time is needed before proceeding to start a new relationship, but you will be the best judge of that.
How to end a long distance relationship with someone you love
Now that we know what not to do, let’s talk about what are the healthy ways to end a relationship with someone you love.
1. Pick the best time
Breaking up with your partner before a big presentation at work is not the best time to do it. Neither is doing it before a big exam or any major life milestone. Choose the best time according to your best judgment.
You know your partners’ schedule and life. Some say there is never a right time to breakup with someone. While I agree with this statement, I also think there is a worse time to do it, and my advice is don’t do it during the worst possible time.
You love this person so be considerate of the effects of this decision in the long term for both of you.
If you pick the worst possible time, you could be considered inconsiderate and insensitive which will not help you as you put your case forward for breaking up.
2. Be bold, brave, and be in person
Face-to-face is the way to do it. Preferably at a quiet location where you both can be calm and relaxed. Find a place with no distractions because this is an important conversation that requires both parties to fully focus on each other.
Turn off your phones to avoid distractions.
If it is not impossible to meet soon enough for a breakup because you are in a long distant relationship, use a video call so you can look at each other.
Make sure that your internet connection is good and that you are both seated in a quiet environment so that the video chat is smooth. Also, make sure you have enough data or Wi-Fi to last a long time while you are on the call.
You don’t need me to tell you that you shouldn’t have this conversation while driving or cooking or shopping. Set up a time to have the video call. Preferably at the end of the day when you both don’t have a time limit to the conversation because you need to be somewhere else.
It could be difficult to arrange this due to different time zones, but you need to agree and possibly sacrifice your sleep to find a suitable real time.
Schedule or plan a lot of time as you don’t know how long it will last, especially if you are meeting in a physical space.
3. Be Empathetic
Remember that you are ending a relationship with someone you love so you do need to practice some empathy. Empathy means that you understand and have compassion for what the other person is feeling.
The other person will be sad and feel betrayed and probably in denial. You are ending an emotional connection and a physical connection with a person very close to your heart. Be empathetic, do not be heartless, and simply expect the other person to just be okay with your breaking up with them.
Being empathetic means that after you deliver the bad news, you must listen to the other person and understand. Understand their perspective and recognize their emotions.
Be aware of the non-verbal cues that the partner is displaying during the conversation and encourage them to talk about their feelings.
4. Be sympathetic
Sympathy is pitying someone and being able to feel what the other person is feeling. Be human enough to feel the other person’s feelings.
Even if you do not necessarily feel what the other person is feeling but you need to be sympathetic. Breakups are hurtful so learn to share the feelings of hurt that the other person is feeling.
Go the extra mile to make your partner feel that you care for him and do not want to hurt him.
5. Lay out your reasons, be gentle
The first thing your partner will ask you is why. This is because they could be very confused about why you want to end the relationship.
Lay out all the reasons why you feel that this relationship has to end. It could be that things have happened that resulted in a lack of trust between the two of you and now you want out. Maybe there is a lack of physical intimacy as is normal with long distance couples and you are not happy about it.
Even if it’s the little things that affected your romantic relationship and now you prefer that things end, lay all the reasons on the table.
Perhaps you thought having a romantic relationship with a long-distant boyfriend would be easy but now you realize that the physical distance is too much for you and you cannot do it anymore. Let your partner know how you feel. Building a healthy relationship with someone a long way from you is challenging and those who do it are very brave and very strong.
Do not feel bad that you are not copying and would rather prefer to date someone close with whom you can have physical contact more often.
Do not use this time to blame your partner and point fingers. Clearly state your reasons and why you think breaking up is the right choice.
This is not an easy task, and you will definitely need a glass of water while you do it.
Be gentle and slow especially if you want to end the relationship and still be on good terms with your partner after the breakup.
6. Be careful of manipulation, stick to your guns
Love is a strange thing; it is also a painful thing that is not for the faint-hearted.
Usually, when you try to breakup with someone, they may show signs of serious pain like crying, being unable to breathe, and heart attack. Although these emotions are real, sometimes they could be fake and a way to manipulate you to change your mind.
Some may even go a step further to play mind games with statements like:
“I cannot live without you”
“You are my everything and if you leave me, I will be nothing”
“How am I supposed to continue living”
These and many more statements may melt your heart because you love and care for this person but if you seriously want to end things then these statements should not move you or cause you to change your mind.
I must add that some of the statements could be true, but it is up to you to stick to your guns, respectfully and gently.
7. Set Boundaries
After you have ended the relationship, you need to set boundaries, even if the two of have decided to stay best friends you still need to decide on what is the best way forward.
You were once one of the happiest couples in the world, so you don’t have to be enemies that hate each other. You can still maintain good communication.
This is the most important part of this process on how to end a long distance relationship with someone you love. Have an honest conversation about how you want to continue. It will not be easy to end things and move on. It will require hard work, but you can do it.
Talk about the next step now that you have broken up.
Be careful not to give each other false hope, especially during the early days after the breakup as you might feel it’s easier to go back to dating each other because the journey of moving on is much tougher than you thought.
Setting boundaries means you iron out all issues that the two of you might have. You make sure that there are no unrealistic expectations after you end things.
Will you still call each other?
What is appropriate to text or share and what isn’t?
How often?
Are long midnight conversations or long distance phone calls still appropriate?
What about contact with friends that you shared?
Did you exchange any physical belongings that need to be returned?
Perhaps you have businesses together and investments that need to be split or you will find a way to work together.
Maybe your partner is really hurt and wants alone time and does not want anything to do with you.
These and more are things you need to talk about when you have the boundary conversation. It is possible that you both do not have the right answer for each question at that particular time but do not leave such conversations open-ended and they could be open to interpretation.
8. Be prepared for the response
We have had a long conversation about how to end a long distance relationship with someone you love. But now we have to talk about the preparation you have to do for the response you will get from the person you are breaking up with.
Remember you are not talking to an emotionless robot, but rather a human being with feelings. You are talking to a person with whom you shared dreams and a very deep connection. You both put in a lot of work to make the long distance relationship work so it’s likely that your partner will not just accept your request and let you go.
They may try to reason out with you. Perhaps they will be in denial and perhaps even suggest you both see a relationship expert to give you long-distance relationship tips to try and make things work.
They may ask for some time to think things through, or maybe even request to spend quality time with you to talk about the concerns and your reasons for breaking up.
The flip side of the coin is that they could be angry, start screaming, cry and feel hurt and betrayed.
Honestly, the spectrum of emotions is very wide, and you need to prepare for it.
Don’t judge them.
Some may even show emotions you have never seen or thought they were capable of. Truth is that heartbreak can bring the worst out of a person’s character, but it doesn’t mean they are bad.
Try to not disregard their emotions and feelings or even invalidate their opinions.
But be prepared to have a serious talk with this person that you once shared a deep connection with and what once was a successful relationship.
Expecting positive energy after the breakup might be a little naïve of you.
As a bonus tip, you will feel bad for breaking up with your partner so prepare to forgive yourself.
9. Breakup is like loss, you need to grieve
You have parted ways with someone you loved and still love. At some point, this person was once your whole world and meant everything to you.
So, you are going to miss the voice calls and video calls. You will miss the good morning and good evening texts and the funny memes and reels you shared during the happier times.
Loss is like that.
One day you will be fine and the next day you will be like a mess crying and missing his touch and hoping you could be together again.
This is all a normal part of a breakup.
I recommend that you speak to a relationship expert or a relationship coach that will help you heal and navigate any relationship the next time you decide to get into one.
Talk to someone about your feelings and emotions. Get a friend to support you or even a family member. You don’t have to be alone during this time. You need people around you. Don’t think you are okay because you initiated the break-up because you are not.
Cheers to new beginnings
Now that it’s all said and done, well done to you, and cheers to moving on and new beginnings. You have taken a big step and it was not easy, but it was worth it. After you break up, I suggest you take time out to be with yourself.
Have a good time with yourself with these fun solo date ideas. Find true love with yourself and do nice gestures for yourself in your daily life to make you smile. Travel to different cities and meet other people (not as potential partners but as friends).
These are all the must-knows about how to end a long distance relationship with someone you love. All the best and I believe in you.
