Falling in love is easy, it is staying in love that is proving to be more difficult a lot lately. It has become such an unsurmountable mountain (challenge) that many people are calling it quits.
Do I judge married couples who decide to end it?
No
“Marriage is hard”, is the first thing that anyone will tell you when you tell them about getting married.
Just as a side note, I always find it funny that a lot of young people are under pressure to get married and have kids from friends and families yet the dominant perspective and experience on marriage is that it is hard.
This pressure is the reason why many young couples get into early marriage.
I am not fully convinced that the age group in which you get married determines the success or failure of your marriage. Does marrying young contribute to the types of marital problems that you have? That is possible.
However, the trend we are seeing today is that there are higher divorce rates across all age groups. Many married people are deciding to part ways. The common trend is that the highest divorce rates are with first marriages than second marriages.
This is probably understandable because navigating marriage for the first time is definitely uncharted waters.
So, with that little introduction let’s get to the heart of it all.
Why is the divorce rate so high
1. Couples are becoming more self-aware of their individualism
When couples get married, they become one.
Unfortunately, many take this literally and figuratively a step too far. This is because married people lose their individualism and become codependent.
For any healthy marriage to continue to thrive each person needs to maintain a level of individualism and self-awareness. You have your own purpose and calling in life and that does not disappear when you get married. When couples allow this individualism to dissolve it’s only a matter of time before small marital problems lead to divorce.
This is because when any person is not living their dream and within their life purpose, they become frustrated with themselves and with others.
This conundrum is made worse as it becomes more stressful when one partner just feels like a spectator to the other partner’s life. If you are in a marriage and your main role is to be supportive of your partner while your dreams take the back seat or are non-existent that will frustrate you.
However, many married couples are becoming more self-aware. They are becoming more aware of their emotions, thoughts, feelings, actions, behaviors, dreams, and goals.
With this self-awareness comes confidence and the boldness to step into the person that you think you are or are born to be. For some marriages, this process makes the marriage stronger but for some people, this process brings with it a risk of divorce.
If an individual realizes that their marriage is an obstacle to becoming the best version of themselves, they may want a divorce.
2. Couples growing apart
We all want to stay young and in love forever.
But life is not like that, people grow. Growth is important and should happen to every individual and every couple.
Growth in its character is disruptive, so it’s no wonder when growth happens some marriages shake.
People grow physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
In fact, it is human nature to grow, and married couples as well go through the growth process. The only problem comes when people grow apart. It is not a bad thing, but it is an eventuality that could lead to divorce.
This is because when people grow in various areas of their lives, their values, goals, and dreams also grow and change. That means if you both loved partying till the morning when growth is involved the one person might not want to party at all.
When couples grow apart, they could realize that they are not a good match to live happily ever after. They could realize that what they thought would have been a successful marriage will however have to end sooner than expected.
When people grow apart, they feel frustrated because their marriage is no longer a happy place. They start to realize that what they thought would be happy years of marriage is actually not, and then they want to pack their bags and leave.
3. The realization that marriage is not the end goal of life
One of the reasons for the high number of divorces is that after being married for a couple of years, most couples realize that marriage is not the destination that they thought it would be. They quickly begin to realize that there is more to life than being married.
In fact, many who divorce start to realize that life outside of marriage would be more fulfilling and happier than life within marriage.
They realize that no matter what they do to make their marriage work, it is still an impossible task.
Growing up we are almost programmed to get an education, a good-paying job, get married, and have kids. The story never seems to go beyond that point.
It is almost up to each person to figure out how life should work after getting married. Some say to focus on raising kids and building a great home. But some say you sit and wait for retirement and death. But none of these answers a fulfilling.
During the early 1980s or the previous generation it may have been sufficient to get married and then not do anything, but these days, life has changed, and people’s needs have changed and advanced.
People want to experience life a lot more, they want to travel and explore their potential and purpose and the confines of marriage make it impossible to do such. Most people feel that the institution of marriage clips their wings away and they cannot fly. This is usually true for most married women, but the generalization may not be true all the time.
So, when that realization creeps into someone’s mind, it is almost inevitable that they will want out of the marriage.
4. Different priorities over time
The honeymoon stages of marriage are fun because we all have priorities that are aligned. Mainly we want to take over the world and grow old together.
Couples vow to support each other and even go as far as to write down their priorities together.
But time is a funny thing. When it comes to investing and compounding, time is your best friend. But time can be an enemy if it results in different priorities.
Life happens and if anything, the COVID pandemic taught us that what we consider normal can change overnight. When these life-changing events happen priorities can change.
Other life milestones could be having kids, career changes, and even the death of a loved one.
These experiences change our perspective and view of life. They can ultimately change our priories and it’s not always that partners change priorities at the same rate and time. This is because although a couple may face the same circumstances and challenges together how each person reacts is different.
When people feel they are in marriages where priorities have drastically shifted, they may opt to divorce each other. This reason contributes to the higher rates of a marriage ending.
Most people do admit that good marriages do exist but with time and growing apart, priorities can be the nail to the coffin.
No matter how much hard work you put into making a marriage work, irreconcilable differences like a change in priorities could lead to divorce.
5. Divorce has become more acceptable in society
Don’t get me wrong, divorce is not bad but for many years divorce has been frowned upon by society. If you wanted to divorce someone, people would do anything to convince you to avoid divorce because being divorced meant failure. It meant that you have failed and people will forever label you as a failure. Your family and friends will be embarrassed to be associated with you.
It meant being judged by friends, family, and society as a whole. You become like one with leprosy no one wants to be near you.
But these days married couples have a lot more leeway and freedom to leave an unhappy marriage. This new shift in societal norms and beliefs has seen a high divorce rate globally.
These days divorce is also messy but easier. All you need to do to get legally divorced is to contact a divorce lawyer and get the wheels going.
Your reasons for divorce do not even have to be valid but they just must make sense to you.
If anything, society will support anyone who chooses to leave a marriage.
6. Rediscovering your identity
This is a strange reason, but it is becoming more common than you would think.
When people get married, they start to unconsciously share an identity. For a while, this helps but it is not a feasible way to live.
You have a unique DNA and purpose in life and can never live someone’s life as if it’s yours.
So, when individuals embark on a journey to find out who they are, and they actually find out who they are, it could result in fundamental differences from what could have been a solid foundation for building a marriage.
When people discover their identity, it could make the other partner less uncomfortable and possibly less attracted thus resulting in the need for divorce.
When one discovers their identity, it could be that they realize that they are an eagle with great potential, but they have been yoked with a parrot.
Parrots do not soar high, but eagles cannot stay caged, they have to soar in the sky.
The result of such a situation is that the two yoked must be unyoked for each person to reach their full potential and live within their purpose. It does not mean that either person is bad, it just means that their marriage will result in the psychological and mental death of each person before the physical death.
Remember that mental health is one of the key issues to making a marriage work. Without it, marriage can be suffocating.
You could be wondering how an eagle and a parrot become yoked together and no one saw this couple as a mismatch ever. Well, the truth is that eagles and parrots are both birds, so on the surface, they look like one thing, but they are fundamentally and functionally different.
Although they can co-exist, they cannot succeed if put in the same cage or environment.
7. Reaching breaking point
Everyone enters marriage with good intentions. If anything, people enter marriage to be separated by death, hence many vows include “till death do us part”.
But just as there are so many unknowns in the life of any individual there are many unknowns in the life of marriage. Many think that marriage will be hard, but to what extent no one ever knows.
No matter how much counseling you undergo nothing prepares you for the challenges you will face. Some challenges will amaze you, and some will almost render you hilarious.
But the most dangerous thing is that as people live in marriage, it’s one blow after blow. Just when you think you have a handle on what marriage is something else comes up. Some will go as far as to say in marriage you cannot catch a break.
Some people can only take the marriage blows so much until they reach breaking point. Other wives can only pick up after their husbands for so long until they cannot do it anymore. Some husbands can only be supportive and tolerate the nagging and tantrums (anger outbursts) from their partners for so long until they tap out.
When you cannot take any more of a situation and it does not seem to be changing divorce seems like a viable idea.
So, the answer to why is the divorce rate so high is that people in a marriage have had enough and they cannot handle it anymore.
Nothing anyone can say or do will change their mind because they have reached a point of “enough is enough”.
8. Lack of commitment
People in marriages may feel that the other person is not as committed as they are and hence choose to divorce.
Although it is always a good idea to discuss what commitment means to each one of you, it is also true that commitment cannot be forced.
It has to come from an individual.
A lack of commitment can increase the likelihood of divorce.
In recent decades people want to be with people who are dedicated to a great marriage and a great relationship. When they do not receive the commitment, they expect they realize that marriage is not what they thought it would be and they want to get out of the marriage.
Many young adults have been found to mention this reason as to why they want to get a divorce.
9. Infidelity
This is a big one, should probably be on top of the list.
But this one is common and has always been there. Very few couples survive marital infidelity. This is because extramarital affairs signal deeper cracks in the marriage. It also opens up cracks that may never be repaired.
Recent studies about divorce statistics show that cheating is becoming more common.
There are many reasons why people cheat but some of the most common reasons are being unhappy in marriage, lack of commitment, lack of self-control, and even human beings just being human beings.
Whatever the reason is for being unfaithful once infidelity rears its ugly head into marriage, trust like a mirror is shattered and can take time to repair if reparable at all.
In the previous generation, infidelity was swept under the carpet but today, there are health concerns when people start cheating. Over half of all marriages end because someone cheated.
Even if you had married your best friend and were a good wife or a good husband for many years, infidelity can tip the marriage boat over and sink it faster than any other thing.
Fewer people tolerate infidelity hence it is sitting in the first place when it comes to reasons for divorce.
Just the thought of your partner engaging in any sexual activity with someone else is enough to cause a panic attack and sleepless nights, which is why younger people and older adults cannot stand to be in marriages where one person is unfaithful.
In recent years, being unfaithful is becoming easier with the advancement in technology and the increasing use of social media and dating apps where you can meet and interact with anyone at any time of day.
Unfaithfulness can also be lumped together with lustfulness. Many people although married still struggle with lust and this ugly monster is capable of destroying marriage. Lustful people are attracted to anyone and for various reasons. This can leave one partner feeling unloved and neglected while the other engages in lustful behavior and struggles to get out or overcome it.
10. Constant unresolved conflict
Marriage means you live with someone who you didn’t share a background with. That inherently means you are both different in every aspect of your life.
It’s no wonder marriages are so hard.
You are trying to build a life with someone who has faced different life experiences than yours. Someone who has lived a life you potentially know very little about.
This means that the two of you are highly likely to have significant differences in thoughts, ideas, and how you deal with things.
Disagreements and communication problems can lead to divorce and an increase in the rate of divorce.
Disagreements and conflict can be great if they happen constructively but often conflict drifts people apart. This is because we are not taught how to have effective communication and how to resolve conflicts. For some couples, marriage counseling helps to teach them how to resolve issues but very few couples go through that kind of counseling before getting married.
Ultimately couples opt for divorce because unresolved conflicts make a marriage unhappy and unbearable.
No one wants to live in a house with constant fights and bickering.
These unresolved fights and conflicts can cause constant stress and health issues.
Somehow older couples seem to have mastered handling conflicts more than younger adults. I guess with age and experience comes maturity.
11. Financial problems
Having financial troubles is one of the constant strains that hit marriages hard, and some marriages do not survive this hit.
Financial issues are becoming more common as a reason for divorce, especially with the current economic changes, COVID pandemic, potential recession, and a plummeting global economy.
For young adults who are married but have never seen a recession or experienced any financial strains, they may not know how to handle finances better.
To add to this, even marriage counseling does not include a chapter to manage money, invest as a couple, and managing spending habits. So, it’s no wonder the increase in divorce rates can be attributed to financial problems.
For some couples, it’s so bad that they cannot afford basics including child support.
Many couples in healthy marriages also refuse to have open conversations about finances in their marriage. It is more common that each person in the marriage deals with their financial struggles.
There are a lot of financial resources that couples can use to get their finances back on track but very few ever take the time to use them.
12. Unmet expectations about marriage
This reason is interesting because it is subconscious.
Very few people are aware of the unrealistic expectations that they have about marriage. People have images of what they think marriage will be like and very seldom is that image realistic.
When couples realize that breakfast in bed will never happen and all the romantic movies, they watched are exactly that: fiction, they start to feel a level of unsatisfaction, resentment, and withdrawal from their spouse.
Having high expectations is very dangerous especially if they are not communicated to the other person. This means while one person may be having the time of their lives in marriage the other person could be suffocating and eventually want to have a divorce.
No one wants to stay in an institution that does not seemingly serve their needs and what they hoped it would be.
13. Religion
You would assume that before couples get married, they have serious discussions about religion and beliefs.
But many couples do not.
It is no wonder issues of beliefs, religion and faith come into play a few years into marriage.
Because religion is a personal thing it can also be a very dividing thing and most of the time it is a deal breaker. Each person could be holding onto strong beliefs that they believe make them who they are and refuse to listen to anything else.
It is a difficult process and almost impossible task to find common ground between two people who share different religious beliefs. Even a couple who believe they have no religious affiliation there is something that guides their decision-making and moral/character. If those fundamentals are vastly different there could be trouble in paradise.
This is what makes this one of the leading causes of the increase in the national divorce rate across various countries.
14. Family problems
It is said that when you marry a person you marry their family as well.
Although this is a beautiful thing it could also be the thing that tears down marriage.
Especially if your in-laws and your partners’ in-laws feel that they are part of your marriage. If your marriage has input from the whole family before making any decision, the marriage can be in trouble.
Couples who never cut the cord, and never draw the line with family members experience strain and a lot of issues such that one might think divorce is better. Some people feel that the stress of marrying the whole family is too much and they opt out.
Enjoying a healthy and good family life is something that most aspire to, but not many are willing to have it at the expense of their peace when they must deal with in-laws.
15. Substance abuse
This is one of the saddest reasons for divorce because love is not lost between the two people. It is sad because addiction has its claws so deep in this marriage and it refuses to let go. Addiction is dangerous and destructive.
Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, or any other substance abuse, it can drive a deep wedge and eventually lead to divorce.
The other kind of abuse is physical, emotional, and psychological abuse.
Abusive partners are like someone sawing a branch they are sitting on. It won’t be long before divorce becomes the order of the day.
May women, men, and children in abusive relationships overstay their welcome in the hopes that the perpetrator will change. But it all ends in tears and a coffin. The abuse rate statistics are more shocking than the poverty (unemployment) and the divorce rate.
Sadly, they are on an exponential increase.
16. Lack of premarital counseling and role models
Yep, premarital counseling does not guarantee a successful marriage, but it gives your marriage a fighting chance.
Some even go as far as to say counseling and therapy delay divorce into the distant future and sometimes it is permanently delayed.
The honeymoon phases are exciting and fun, and it lets us believe that we can be married and succeed in marriage. But dating and marriage are worlds apart. Premarital counseling is there to highlight what marriage means.
It is there to give a sneak preview of what to expect in marriage and to prepare for it.
Some couples do go to counseling, but they do not pay attention and they ignore all the advice.
Others do take that advice as a suggestion and hardly implement it. We see this by how high the divorce rate is. This is because some reasons for divorce could have been easily resolved in counseling.
Sometimes the hidden character of the person you are dating can be revealed in counseling before marriage instead of you finding out during marriage when you have said “I Do” and signed on the dotted line.
In today’s world, it is difficult to find a couple that you can look up to. This is because many of us have learned that what we see on social media is not real. That the smiling couple on Instagram is sleeping in separate bedrooms.
The lack of role models can influence the decision to divorce.
17. Dysfunctional Roles in marriage
Marriage is about two people who want to live life together. Living together means we need to help each other. It means two people have to help each other run a household and function well.
However, sometimes these roles are not clearly defined and can become blurred with time. A partner may be okay with doing laundry and cooking every evening for six months but after two years it becomes too much.
A partner may be okay being the main breadwinner until their job does not make them happy and they want to quit. Perhaps they get retrenched and now there is no breadwinner and the switch in roles brings frustrations and stress.
Although this problem can be resolved through effective communication, many couple head for divorce because of the dysfunctional roles.
When one partner starts to feel like a parent or a mother to the other partner, this dysfunctional role is not sustainable, and it will not last long.
Divorce is imminent and inevitable.
In conclusion
The institution of marriage is becoming less desirable as more and more people seem to be exiting it. These are some of the leading reasons that answer the question: why is the divorce rate so high?
That being said do not let any of these reasons scare you from finding love and getting married. Despite the high divorce rate, many more couples still stay happily married. And if you are on the verge of divorce but want to keep fighting for your marriage, use these tips.
Are you divorced? Share your story below and let us know what makes you call it quits. Perhaps you are considering divorce, share your reasons with us. We are a community that loves sharing, knowledge, and learning.
