If only we were all as born adults and didn’t have a past. Unfortunately, we were born as infants and had to go through a process of emotional, physical, and psychological growth.
And that growth process was long and not very smooth. Many if not all of us have incurred issues and childhood trauma that somehow became a significant part of our lives.
One of these traumas is abandonment which manifests in our adult lives and relationships.
To be honest, most of us do not even know we have abandonment issues until the signs of abandonment issues are discussed and we can relate to them.
That’s why we need to have an honest and open conversation about what abandonment issues are and in the inevitable event that they manifest in a relationship, how should we deal with them without negatively affecting a romantic partner.
Unfortunately, a traumatic experience does not just fade into the air, unless dealt with thoroughly.
If these issues are not dealt with, we are likely you build unhealthy relationships, characterized by various insecure attachment styles and mental health issues.
The goal here is to help you build healthy romantic relationships and generally great relationships with family members and friends.
What causes abandonment issues in relationships?
Abandonment issues are the scars of the battles you have fought growing up.
There are common causes of abandonment issues and knowing these will also help you realize the cause. When you know the cause that is a starting point that will help deal with it head-on and process it.
Being abandoned as a child
For those of us who have been left by our mothers, fathers uncles, siblings, or any relative who was supposed to be there for us we are likely to suffer from abandonment issues that we then carry into the relationship.
Growing up we are highly dependent on our immediate family and friends to be there for us and when they leave us, it is a traumatic event, and we feel abandoned.
We feel the physical and emotional abandonment deeply and most of us never get over it.
Because this event was painful, we tend to carry that experience with us throughout life and we have abandonment fears. We carry a form of abandonment anxiety, and we keep thinking that the next relationship we get into or try to build might end in abandonment as well.
Even if we are in a secure relationship, emotional abandonment is always at the back of our minds, and we live every day expecting it to happen. We hardly give our current relationships full focus because we think the friends or family that we have will eventually leave.
Being abandoned as a young adult.
You might have made it through childhood without feeling abandoned but early into adulthood, you could have faced challenges that led you to feel abandoned.
You could have lost a loved one through death or they moved or perhaps left you for whatever reason. Going through this loss means you may feel alone because you feel that the one person who was supposed to be your ride and die has left you and you do not know what to do.
When we build close relationships, we never assume that one day they will end.
When they eventually end, we are devasted and very hurt. Many of us never forget the painful experience and the pain. We tend to use that as a frame of reference, and we go through life carrying abandonment fears.
Unfortunately, human beings are designed to live with each other and build relationships, so you are likely to build more relationships. Except that this time you are conscious, protective of your heart, and half-invested into the relationship to make it work.
Insecurities
When we have low self-esteem and are not confident in who we are we are likely to be insecure in a relationship. We tend to assume the worst about our partners and to always think that our partners do not love and care about us.
Being insecure about who you are often spills over into your personal and professional relationships. Ultimately insecurity leads to abandonment anxiety in your relationship.
Frequent and consistent loss of loved ones.
If your life has been characterized by one loss after the other, you are likely to have abandonment issues because you believe that people will always leave you at the end.
This is because people leaving has happened to you too many times and you have a hard time believing that even the people in your life are there to stay.
Death and divorce
Anyone who has lost a loved one through death knows that it hurts so bad, and it feels like being abandoned. Even though we all have no say about when we die, death still feels like being abandoned.
The same is true with going through a divorce, especially if you are not the one who initiated the divorce. For some people going through a divorce brings separation anxiety and abandonment issues.
This separation anxiety follows you into the new relationship and you are always worried and scared that if you fall in love again and get married you are bound to have another divorce.
Unresolved mental health issues.
Many people have unhealthy mental health conditions and they do not know it. It only materializes as abandonment issues in a relationship.
This is because you may have gone through a difficult situation that has left you scarred emotionally and mentally, and you have not taken the time to process everything.
You then carry all that pain and experience into a relationship.
Being abandoned as a child or as an adult makes you feel unworthy and it affects your mental well-being. You need time to process this loss.
How to deal with abandonment issues in a relationship
1. See a professional
This one is the first step on the list because abandonment issues require delicate attention that a professional is trained to give. Whether you experienced physical abandonment or emotional abandonment you need to speak to a therapist to help you process the experience.
Go to therapy consistently.
When you get there open up about your childhood background and your adult life. Take the time to talk about anyone who has left you from when you were a baby to when you were in high school until your current age.
I know that as human beings we find it difficult to open up to strangers especially if we struggle with abandonment issues.
We tend to think even the therapist will abandon us.
I urge you to give it an honest try. Wear your heart on your sleeve and let go of that constant fear of being abandoned. If you are talking to a professional and are open to receiving constructive criticism and help then you are going in the right direction.
Remember that dealing with these abandonment issues will help you build stronger relationships, and it will make your partner feel better and make the love the two of you share twice as strong.
As a last point here, if you have suffered sexual abuse or even physical abuse you need to take time to talk about that traumatic experience with a professional.
Therapy helps you improve your self-awareness and reveals a better version of yourself. Seeing a professional is a great way to share your true feelings, emotions, and thoughts without fear of judgment. It is a safe space where you get to be yourself.
When we experience a sense of safety, we tend to be open to the healing of past traumas. In this room, you get to talk about your deepest thoughts and experiences that you feared sharing with a close friend.
2. Join a support group
Yes, I know you are wondering if there is a support group of people who struggle with abandonment issues.
I can confirm that there are various support groups you just need to find the right one.
You could be wondering why you should join one. Well, there are various reasons.
The first one is that you need a group of people who share similar experiences with you. These are people who relate to your feelings and emotions. It is one of the best ways on how to deal with abandonment issues in a relationship.
Your partner may not know how to help but this support group has people who are broken and hurt like you. While sitting in this support group you get to share your experiences and hear other people’s experiences.
When you are sitting at home in your little bubble you think you have it bad but listening to other people you realize that some people have it worse.
The second reason is support groups hold you accountable for your personal development and being better. The activities that you get to participate in, challenge you to be better.
Support groups also hold a mirror up so that you can see who you really are and how you can improve.
These groups are judgment-free spaces for people who understand each other.
Going to support groups is one of the effective ways on how to deal with abandonment issues in relationships. You may think you can fix the situation with just you and your partner but interacting with other people is a better solution.
You need a group of honest outsiders to help you see things that your partner may be unable to see because they are blinded by their love for you.
3. Constantly practice positive affirmations of yourself
Abandonment issues can have you thinking that you do not matter and that no one loves you enough to stay. For a long time, you could think you are not worthy of long-term commitment but that is all wrong.
That is why you need to constantly include positive affirmations about yourself in your daily routine.
Go around the day saying to yourself that you are worthy of love. You deserve the best in every relationship. Adult relationships can have you thinking that the focus should be on your partner but this time you need to refocus on yourself.
It is a good thing to think positive thoughts about yourself. You need to look in the mirror and say:
“Good morning beautiful”
“I deserve all the love and attention”
“Hello, Superwoman/ Superman”,
“Today something good is going to happen to me”.
“I am a ray of sunshine to everyone around me”
“I attract valuable & positive relationships because I am lovable”
“Anyone who dates me will be blessed beyond measure”
“My partner is very fortunate to date a queen/ king like me”
These positive affirmations and more should be playing on repeat in your head. Remind yourself how worthy and important you are every day until any other thing that does not align with your affirmations bounces off you.
This will take time because you may believe the opposite of these affirmations for so long but now you need to be positive about yourself.
Be positive about yourself and your character even when people abandon you.
4. Learn to love and trust again (fully).
Abandonment issues make you lose trust in people. It makes you suspicious of everyone around you. It makes you believe that all the important relationships that you have built will eventually come to an end.
Living with that type of anxiety every day is exhausting and draining.
That’s why you need to learn to look past the abandonment.
Move on.
Yes, you went through a difficult time and probably more than once but train your mind, heart, and your thoughts to love again. Learn to trust the people close to you.
Relationships can only work if you trust and if you love wholeheartedly. So please open up your heart again and let love bring light into your life.
Do not close the door on people who want to love you like your partner. Do not go around thinking people will leave you.
Remember also that your partner is not the enemy. Your partner is not the one that abandoned you, so it is unfair for you to punish him/her. Do not let abandonment issues taint all your future relationships.
Don’t let bad experiences define your love life and your current relationship. Instead take all that hurt, pain, anxiety, and stress and turn it into strength and unconditional love that you show your partner and your family
5. Make peace with not being in control
Let go of the constant need to be in control of everything.
You are not in control of everything, and you will never be.
This is a key thing to know on this journey of how to deal with abandonment issues in relationships. Part of the reason why you are insecure, fearful, and anxious is that you know you cannot control another person and that that person can leave at any time.
Even just saying that your partner may leave is probably giving you anxiety, but that is the nature of life.
You cannot control people’s behaviors, thoughts, and actions.
You can only control your own.
Focus on that. Focus on controlling your feelings, and thoughts and most importantly you need to control your reactions to situations that make you unhappy. Whenever things do not go your way do not throw a tantrum but rather refocus.
Take lemons and make lemonade, or lemon méringue, perhaps lemon cake. Honestly, the possibilities are endless.
Know what you can and cannot control and focus on what you can control. Let the rest of the things go. It is no use trying to control the weather because you cannot. I suggest you make your weather. That means you decide how you feel even if the circumstances are not favorable to you.
You are more than enough and worthy of loving yourself.
Before you seek love and validation from other people, I suggest striving to love yourself and put yourself first.
6. Being hurt and abandoned is inevitable but there is a silver lining
This is a tough pill to swallow but it’s a reality I have to remind you of. I cannot guarantee that your current partner will not leave you or abandon you, but I can prepare you if it happens.
Do not let abandonment issues hold people hostage or threaten people.
Instead, give people the freedom to do what they want when they want. It is the best form of love that you can give your partner.
I hope no one ever leaves you or abandons you but if they do I want you to know that life can be bitter sometimes and it can be hard, but you don’t have to suffer and be unhappy.
Although it may be inevitable, I want you to choose to be happy and to choose peace the next time it happens. Do not let the grief overwhelm you and consume you instead choose to focus on the positive.
Every situation has a silver lining you must find it.
Train your mind to find the good in anything and you will find it.
If you have an honest conversation with yourself about hurt, abandonment, and human nature then you will be able to process abandonment.
7. Nobody owes you anything, not even your partner.
No one owes you anything. You are the only person who owes you anything. Do not expect your partner to do everything for you and to put up with your abandonment issues. But instead, put it upon yourself to take care of yourself.
When you realize that no one is tied to you for your whole life you understand that each person has a purpose in life.
If that purpose leads them to abandon you, then so be it.
Also, people are battling different issues of their own that have nothing to do with you. So do not carry every burden on your shoulder. You are not always the reason people leave you so do not take responsibility for other people’s actions.
While you are both lucky to be in each other’s lives, you are not stuck to each other.
If you happen to grow apart in this relationship, then do not stay because you have a strong fear of loneliness.
By the way, being alone is not as bad as it seems. It is seasonal not permanent
8. Forgive yourself and those who left
One thing that is holding you back is that you are still holding onto a grudge.
You are struggling with the issue of how to deal with abandonment issues in a relationship because you are still holding onto the hurt and pain of the people who abandoned you many years ago.
I urge you to forgive yourself and let go of the past and stop thinking about it.
Even if you were the one who abandoned someone forgive yourself. Forgiveness is the first step in acceptance. It’s only when you forgive that you can move on and build better relationships.
Unforgiveness is cancerous, and it spreads to all other areas of your life
How do people with abandonment issues behave in relationships?
People with abandonment issues are difficult but not impossible to live with in a relationship. This is because they exude characteristics that may be foreign and strange to their partners. If not correctly handled abandonment issues in a relationship can be the final straw that breaks the camel’s back.
They stay in relationships despite the red flags
People who struggle with abandonment issues have a strong fear of loneliness. This may be seen in various ways and one of those ways is staying in toxic relationships where they should not be staying.
A partner who fears being abandoned will endure all forms of abuse because they believe their partner or perpetrator is the only person who can ever love them. They fear if they leave the toxic relationship, they will be lonely, and they cannot begin to imagine living a single life.
Social media and family members can also add to the pressure to stay in that toxic relationship
They struggle with an anxious attachment style
This attachment theory describes people who are always worried and anxious about being in a relationship and building meaningful relationships.
These are people who are always concerned and worried that they are not enough and cannot be loved. They are always worried about what their partners are thinking.
They struggle with the avoidant attachment style.
Some people do not like being attached to anyone and they pull away from close relationships and intimacy in any relationship. They prefer to take care of their own emotional needs and do not rely on anyone for support.
These people avoid being attached emotionally and physically to anyone because sometimes they are scared that the person they are attached to will leave and they will be hurt badly.
They are clingy and insecure
A partner that struggles with abandonment issues is very clingy. They do not like to let their partner go anywhere without them. They want to be by their side all day every day because they are worried that if they do not know where their partner is that partner might leave.
Such partners are also very insecure. If they see you smiling and conversing with other people, they are scared that you might leave them.
Insecurities are some of the top indicators of abandonment issues in a relationship.
They are jealous
The abandonment wound from childhood experiences can manifest as jealousy. Mostly over very petty and minor issues. If one partner in a relationship struggles with abandonment issues, they are usually jealous of friendships that their partner might have.
They do not want their partner to compliment or build valuable relationships with people of the opposite gender. However illogical this could be, past experiences can cause a partner to fear that their partner will cheat on them.
A partner who struggles with abandonment issues does not like sharing their partner with the rest of the world they just want their partner all to themselves. They do not like going to large gatherings because they do not like their partner interacting with other people.
These are all the necessary steps on how to deal with abandonment issues in a relationship. Use them to start your healing process. All the best.
How do you treat abandonment issues in a relationship?
Be cautious and gentle
I know it’s easy to just decide to end the relationship because these abandonment issues are overbearing, but I urge you to hold your horses.
I am not saying you will have to spend the rest of your life with such issues clouding over you, but I am saying there are practical steps you can do. The first one is to treat your partner with caution and to be gentle.
This is because your partner has had a rough background and had to deal with difficult life experiences that were beyond their control. Amazingly, they have survived life so far and they have decided to give love another chance. Your partner has had to learn to process a lot of emotional pain that you will never understand.
Also, remember that your partner is an amazing person despite the abandonment trauma that they suffered. There is a beautiful person behind all the scars and there is hope that they will heal.
I do not want you to have unrealistic expectations that things will change overnight, but I think if you just extend a hand of gentleness and kindness you are already helping your partner.
Do not shout, scream, judge or mistreat them just because they are dealing with an intense fear of abandonment. Become your partner’s best friend so that they do not feel alone and not feel cornered.
Reassure your partner of the love and care you have for them.
One of the things that increase the persistent fear of abandonment is when a partner does not reassure their partner of the love, care, and protection that they have. I suggest you invest in emotional intimacy with your partner.
Talk about your deepest fears and concerns.
Talk about the abandonment issues your partner faces and go a step further and talk about the causes of these abandonment issues. Be open enough to address the issues that you are both experiencing and the effect it has on the relationship.
Reassurance of love, respect, and protection can reduce any major trust issues that your partner may have because of abandonment issues. Show your partner that they mean everything to you.
Above all, constantly reassure your partner that you are not going anywhere and that you won’t leave them behind.
Give them emotional care and help them build interpersonal relationships.
The point is that you must reassure your partner and make sure that they do not have any doubts about you and the relationship either. Be their rock and pillar of strength during this difficult time.
Do couple’s therapy
Although your partner that struggles with abandonment issues needs to go to therapy sessions alone to deal with these issues. It will help both of you to do couples therapy and talk about the effect of these abandonment issues on your relationship.
Talk about the type of anxiety that it causes both of you. I also suggest you see mental health professionals because these abandonment issues are mental health issues.
I also urge you to be open in these sessions. It may sound like a bad thing to go to therapy because you may think only your partner has issues and you don’t. But trust me you both need to talk to someone.
Couples who seek therapy together grow together.
It also helps the partner with the issues to understand that they are not alone during this difficult period.
Can I be in a relationship if I have abandonment issues?
Yes, you can be in a successful and happy relationship even if you are dealing with abandonment issues. The key is to get the help you need by following these steps on how to deal with abandonment issues in relationships. Many people get help, and they get through this difficult stage.
Be courageous and tackle it head-on. Do not bury your head in the sand and hope that you will get better. But be intentional about overcoming abandonment issues and you will indeed overcome.
You do not have to be lonely and sad, but you can enjoy love. Love is beautiful and I wish you enjoy it.
We are not meant to do this life thing alone, neither are you.
I mean life is hard as it is alone why not get a partner to help you carry the burden? And you get to help them carry their burdens too. Focus on building a real connection with an intimate relationship with your partner and enjoy life.
If you enjoyed reading about how to deal with abandonment issues in a relationship then share it with a friend who might need it. Let’s help each other build better relationships.
