Parenting can be both a blessing and messy at the same time. One day you feel like you’ve got this, and you know exactly what you are doing and the next day you just wish you could return the kids to wherever they came from because everything is a disaster.
Whether you are a biological parent or a step parent raising another human being is hard work.
It’s definitely not for the faint-hearted.
But it does become more challenging when you have to juggle raising your own kids, step children, trying to build a strong marriage with your new spouse, and not being a bad person.
Remember that at the end of the day handling stepchildren is a delicate matter that puts you in a difficult position. If not handled with the care and sensitivity it deserves you run the risk of losing your partner and destroying your own home.
But do not be discouraged, as long as you are still breathing there is definitely something you can do about this situation.
Where does this entitlement come from?
It’s important to understand where the entitlement comes from. What are the triggers, thoughts, and events that bring about this bad behavior of entitlement? It’s only when you understand the cause that you can react to it proactively and appropriately.
Divorce or separation
If you are dealing with step children it means the child had to go through one of the most traumatic life events ever which are divorce or separation. It’s understandable that children whether young or old would react to this separation.
However, the circumstances that brought about the current situation do not excuse the behavior.
Children going through such situations could feel entitled to attention and a never-ending pity party
Betrayal and hurt
Children could feel betrayed and hurt that they cannot have an ideal home with both biological parents. This means that when you come into their lives as a new parent or potential new parent, they are likely to resist it.
This makes trying to build a stepparent-stepchild relationship that much harder.
Death of a parent
It could also be that the children lost their parent to death and while they may still be trying to process the loss, they then have to adapt to you being the new parent.
All these changes can frustrate anyone and cause anyone to behave out of character.
Rich Children
Sometimes kids are just born with a silver spoon in their mouth, and they feel that the world owes them something. This could be the most challenging group of children to deal with.
Also, remember that kids are manipulative. They know exactly what to say and when to say it. They know which buttons to push and how to get their way. You have to be mindful of this behavior when dealing with entitled kids.
How to deal with entitled stepchildren.
1. Be proactive, not reactive
Most step parents lose the battle with raising adult stepchildren or young ones because they are more reactive to the situation.
This means that they let the kids behave in any way and then try and control their reactions. This is the other way round. As a parent dealing with kids from your partner’s previous marriage or relationship, you need to take control of the situation.
Being proactive means that you get ahead of the situation before it gets to you. You put measures and control in place that does not make room for entitlement. For example, if you are dealing with adult children you don’t wait for them to reach out to you to build a relationship with them, you reach out first. You don’t wait for a child to fail in school before you tell them to write their homework and study consistently.
In other words, wherever you can, do your best to prevent volatile or disastrous situations.
Just like you would naturally do your best to build a relationship with your own children you need to do the same with entitled stepchildren.
This is easier said than done.
It’s likely that your initial efforts will be thrown back into your face and met with a resounding “NO”, “Back off” or “Don’t tell me what to do”. Sometimes they will even be met with loud silence, or a door slammed in your face, but do not despair.
The main point is being proactive
2. Get the three cousins (perseverance, persistence, and patience)
As it is said, Rome was not built in one day. Neither will you build or repair this relationship overnight. Get your working suit on and gear up because it going to be a long bumpy ride.
It’s going to get worse before it gets better.
This is where you will need the three friends: perseverance, persistence, and patience.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying be pushy I am saying do not give up.
Don’t send them a million text messages a day and ask for them to go out with you every weekend. That’s suffocation and it’s definitely not going to work.
Persistently put in the effort to build the relationship and be patient. Eventually, the kids will come around.
While you persistently pursue this relationship, remember to be kind and always smile. Young children are like sponges they absorb everything including behavior from those around them. If you are going to be mean they will be mean to you and rude.
3. Don’t do it alone
The mistake most parents make is trying to resolve conflicts concerning children on their own. This usually backfires badly, and it results in even worse relationships. If you are working on building new relationships that matter to you, you have to realize that sometimes you need the advice of other people.
This is not to say ask any Jack, Jill, or Tom to help you, but you have to talk to those closest to you who have your best interest at heart. These are people who want your relationship with your biological children and your stepchildren to work.
The first and most important person you should reach out to for help is your spouse who is the biological parent of the kids. It may be that he/she knows best how to win the kids over or talk to them and will give you the best tips ever.
4. Know their love language.
Just because you know what your partner’s love language is it does not mean you know what their kids’ love language is.
One way to deal with entitled step children is to be a good example to them. Remember that when kids feel that they are not loved and are not getting the attention they act out. And it is here where we begin to see entitlement show its ugly head.
You might be trying to impress the kids with material things when all they want is to spend time with you and their biological parent. You could find that your stepdaughter just wants to have a spa day with her stepmom, but you are buying her expensive jewelry.
You might also be trying to spend time with them when all they want is space.
You might even be giving them space when all they want is guidance and an authority figure in their life.
Learn what their love language is and use it to break down the barriers of entitlement.
Once these barriers are broken you can communicate better about why they behave the way they do. Most importantly you can build a strong relationship on the most important thing: trust and communication.
5. Decide how you want to run your home.
You and your partner need to both sit down and have a serious talk. Decide what household rules you want to have and then communicate these rules with the kids.
Enforce them equally.
Do not show power struggles between you and your partner such that your stepchildren disrespect you because they believe their parent has the upper hand. Power struggles are usually seen as one parent allowing something that the one parent has forbidden.
Speak with one voice.
Build a family unit where there is mutual respect between the parents and the kids. The whole family should be united, unbreakable. This means that we all live by the same house rules with no exceptions.
Setting ground rules allow the child to see who the parent is and who is the child.
It’s an effective way to deal with entitled stepchildren.
6. Make time for family time
Unfortunately, when you have a blended family that behaves like oil and water you have to still find time to gather everyone in the same room and have fun.
That sounds like a recipe for disaster, right?
Well, the only other way to blend the family is to have fun together. Play together. Alternate activities that each partner or child enjoys. Plan activities that involve everyone.
You don’t have to plan a large expensive vacation to spend time with each other.
We all know how those vacations always end up with one person not talking to another.
I suggest you involve the kids in small activities like going for ice cream together. The important thing is that you find time to be together and love each other. If your stepchildren enjoy video games and would like to do that with you, then learn how to play those games and have fun.
If you know that the children value having a great birthday party, then become a party organizer and give your children the best party ever. The main point is to create time to be with your kids.
Finding activities to do with little kids will indeed be easier than activities for teenagers or adult children, but you have to try.
Plan to do nice things that the children will enjoy. Find out what their hobbies and interests are and plan things along those lines.
7. Entitled children want everything and they want it now!
Usually when dealing with entitled children parents tend to give in to the neediness and entitlement.
Parents tend to give their own children everything as a way to show their love. What usually happens is that bribery replaces proper, adequate, and effective communication. Bribery breeds more entitlement because the children’s history teaches them that they will get everything.
Do not become the kind of step parent that falls into this destructive family dynamic. Do not give children everything they want, that is not setting a good example. Life does not always give us what we want, and parents should take it upon themselves to teach kids this valuable lesson.
The truth is that if you don’t teach your kids this lesson, life will do it for you.
If your new partner used this kind of behavior to show kids that they love them, then talk about using words to communicate this love. If you have this conversation first with your partner, then the good news is that you won’t have to be the bad guy who introduces new laws into the family.
It will be the both of you.
8. Be sympathetic
Understand where your stepchildren are coming from. Irrespective of the age of the kid, you have to be sympathetic to the loss of the child. They lost a parent whom they love, and you need to put yourself in their shoes.
This is a good place for you to understand the kids’ behavior, thoughts, and feelings.
Dealing with entitled stepchildren means you have to be sympathetic but not a pushover. You are going to be in this child’s life for a while, so you have to be the bigger person mentally in terms of understanding.
If you find it hard to be sympathetic, talk to your partner about it. Ask your partner about the previous family dynamics so that you don’t step into any dangerous territory where you fall into the trap of “trying to replace my mom/dad” unknowingly.
Talk about your parental responsibility in this new stepfamily. Discuss the previous relationship and what is expected of you as a new stepparent.
Have an open relationship.
Do not make assumptions because they can cost you a relationship.
Even if you are a married couple and have been parenting for years it’s never too late to have this discussion.
Family life requires communication and communication is one of the healthy ways to deal with the entitlement epidemic. So, take the first step and start this conversation.
Fortunately, just like with any other relationship, communication is the key on how to deal with entitled stepchildren.
9. Set Boundaries and stick to them
Because you are trying to be a nice disciplinarian in the home towards the kids you might let some things go. Mostly because you don’t want to cause drama but also because you don’t want to be a tyrant.
However, when dealing with a sense of entitlement, it’s a good idea to let the children know that you will not tolerate being disrespected. Let them know what disrespect means to you and give examples.
Using this effective way to deal with entitlement will ensure that the whole family knows that in as much as you are a new stepparent who is sympathetic, confident, kind, and loving you are also a human being who knows what they want and do not want in life.
Don’t have this talk about disrespect with the children in private. Rather opt for an open conversation where everyone is present. This will show your partner and children that you have the best intentions of building a good relationship with everyone.
Remind everyone that you are part of the family by choice, and you will not tolerate bullying and abuse from anyone.
Boundaries will help you a lot when it comes to the question of how to deal with entitled stepchildren.
10. Let go of things you cannot control
When you decide to become a stepparent (yes, I said you decided, because it was a choice you made), you took on a difficult but rewarding journey.
This is because you will be dealing with unrealistic expectations from the children. You could also be dealing with a lot of emotional issues that the children are going through. This could be younger children or even grown adult children.
Despite all this baggage, it is in your best interest to know that you cannot and never will be able to control everything.
When you learn this, you will realize that the feelings of disappointment that you have been having because your stepchildren are not responding positively towards you are useless.
Letting go is not the easiest thing to do but it frees your heart and mind. It reminds you that you can only control your behavior, but you cannot control the child’s behavior.
Choose to let go of control and be at peace.
This is one of the best steps to follow on how to deal with entitled stepchildren
11. Be intentional about building a strong marriage despite the challenges
Stepchildren can intentionally work hard to destroy your marriage or relationship. At some point, you could also be wondering if your marriage will survive this.
It is therefore important to realize that when stepchildren are involved, you have to do your best to overcome the challenges. However, do not forget the golden rule: whatever you do to make the marriage or relationship work, it should not be to your own detriment.
With choosing to do your best comes the realization that even if things don’t work out the way you want them to, you will still be a happy person, and you will still choose to have positive energy in the house.
Life without adversities is not worth living right? After all, challenges build character. That’s why you don’t have to worry no matter how difficult things get in life.
You need to remain focused on building and not destroying. Do not hold onto resentment towards the stepkids or your partner. Be focused.
Intentionality is everything in life.
It is what will keep you going when the going gets tough. Do not give up.
When deciding how to deal with entitled stepchildren choose to invest your time and energy in finding a permanent solution. Unfortunately, the problem is highly unlikely to resolve itself.
Final thoughts
Human beings are difficult to understand, so I do take my hat out to you who is doing the best you can to have a positive relationship with your step children and your partner.
Put honest communication above all else. After that put your own happiness and life. Don’t let your stepchildren make you feel invaluable and useless because you are anything but that.
Take care of your mental health and do not let this challenging situation change your kind, peaceful and loving nature. Don’t let it stress you and negatively affect your health.
There could be hurtful things said and done during this relationship process, so you have to be willing to forgive and move past that.
Let us know in the comments section if you have heard or experienced entitled stepchildren. Sharing is caring and we all look forward to learning from each other’s experiences. Also, share which of the tips on how to deal with entitled stepchildren was most useful.
